During the times that I struggle, I'm one big itch. I'm not happy with anything. No man in my life? Awful! I'm alone. I must be a bad person. I must be ugly. A man in my life? Terrible! He isn't the right one. It isn't going the way I would like it to. A job? But my co-workers. It doesn't pay enough. I'm not good enough. Money? Definitely not enough. As a matter of fact...I don't have enough of anything. Love, energy, ability, good looks, friends, whatever. Depression is like that for me. And anxiety chimes in to make it worse. All I can focus on is dissatisfaction. And as you can imagine, it keeps me very depressed. The hard part is that the problem becomes almost a mantra. My mind won't let go of it. Can you relate? I'm willing to bet that you can because I've known really balanced and mentally healthy people who have gotten stuck in this mantra.
Here is what I've learned: If you are focusing on what you don't have in your life, you are stuck. When I stop focusing on what is negative, I learn to make peace with what is. As the Jews say around Passover, it is enough. (Dayenu) For example, I'm not currently dating. Not real interested in dating either. I have what I want. I'm happy. I'm loved. And each day has the potential for fun. There is no hole where a partner would be. IF something were to happen on that front, I would be open. But it doesn't mean anything to me that it isn't there. I've heard people say this before, and I didn't get it. Honestly. I'm OK just being Judy. What an amazing feeling of peace. I'm not frantically trying to figure out who the next one will be. I don't really care. Somehow, I've filled that hole labeled "relationship".
Does this mean that I don't strive for more? There is always room to improve my life. I continually strive. But I don't decide that one area is the only reason for living life. I look at the sum total. I have what I need. I really do. There are things that are important enough that if I lost them would make it likely that the depression would come back. Remember our discussion about triggers? For example, my small family is very important. Not having that would leave a hole I would really struggle to fill. But apart from that, I'm good. Really. And when I'm not good, I say the Serenity Prayer and look for ways to improve things. There are solutions to many of life's problems.
How come this is so much better now? You've heard me say it before. The medication helps considerably. The support system is essential. The fact that I WANT it to be better is key. I've learned something. We have one go-around in life. And being controlled by the biochemical monster called depression and anxiety isn't my choice for how I want to live it. When I remember Maxine and my Dad, I remember how much of their lives were really taken up by mental illness. Kind of a waste. Both of them deserved better. And I've found the better for myself. I would be betraying them to not use the knowledge to improve my life. The victory is for them as well as for myself.
What do you think? Are you ready to deal with it? Can I support you? Now, the answers aren't always easy. It won't just come to you. I understand the struggle. But I believe that we can make peace with ourselves. It is possible. Let's talk! Sending all my love.......
Here is what I've learned: If you are focusing on what you don't have in your life, you are stuck. When I stop focusing on what is negative, I learn to make peace with what is. As the Jews say around Passover, it is enough. (Dayenu) For example, I'm not currently dating. Not real interested in dating either. I have what I want. I'm happy. I'm loved. And each day has the potential for fun. There is no hole where a partner would be. IF something were to happen on that front, I would be open. But it doesn't mean anything to me that it isn't there. I've heard people say this before, and I didn't get it. Honestly. I'm OK just being Judy. What an amazing feeling of peace. I'm not frantically trying to figure out who the next one will be. I don't really care. Somehow, I've filled that hole labeled "relationship".
Does this mean that I don't strive for more? There is always room to improve my life. I continually strive. But I don't decide that one area is the only reason for living life. I look at the sum total. I have what I need. I really do. There are things that are important enough that if I lost them would make it likely that the depression would come back. Remember our discussion about triggers? For example, my small family is very important. Not having that would leave a hole I would really struggle to fill. But apart from that, I'm good. Really. And when I'm not good, I say the Serenity Prayer and look for ways to improve things. There are solutions to many of life's problems.
How come this is so much better now? You've heard me say it before. The medication helps considerably. The support system is essential. The fact that I WANT it to be better is key. I've learned something. We have one go-around in life. And being controlled by the biochemical monster called depression and anxiety isn't my choice for how I want to live it. When I remember Maxine and my Dad, I remember how much of their lives were really taken up by mental illness. Kind of a waste. Both of them deserved better. And I've found the better for myself. I would be betraying them to not use the knowledge to improve my life. The victory is for them as well as for myself.
What do you think? Are you ready to deal with it? Can I support you? Now, the answers aren't always easy. It won't just come to you. I understand the struggle. But I believe that we can make peace with ourselves. It is possible. Let's talk! Sending all my love.......
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