Friday, April 17, 2015

The Daily Decision.......

I've had a lot of stresses lately.  Health issues, job issues, and financial issues have all hit me at one time.  This is a really familiar place for me...very overwhelming. And the interesting thing for me has been how easy it would be for me to just give up.  And reminds me of the power that depression has had on me throughout life. My first thought is to hide out.  I want to be in bed.  All day.  Hiding under the covers.  I'm conscious of the old thought patterns:  I'm worthless.  It won't ever get better. Maybe it would be better if I died now.  Nobody can really help me. There is even a new one: I'm old now, so who really cares? But there is a difference for me right now. These 'old' thoughts and attitudes don't have as much power as they used to. I'm taking medication.  I'm living in Tennessee near a strong support system.  I'm working with a therapist to change unhelpful patterns. I even have a support group online that has been helpful when I'm overwhelmed.  I'm writing. And because of that, I'm treading water. I'm not drowning.  Not by a long shot.

I think that the biochemical disease of depression has two components.  One is the physical.  The fact that I take medication regularly helps me with that.  I don't have to battle my own body as I use the other tools that lead to feeling better.  The combination of my hypothyroid and my depression is amazingly strong.  And trying to will myself out of it is extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible. So, my choice has to include medical treatment. The other part is behavioral. There is much work I have to do at changing the way I think. I have to be open to recognizing that the way I talk to myself influences how I cope. I was excellent at putting myself down.  Now, I have to be 'excellent' the other way.  I have to tell myself how much I deserve to feel better.  I have to talk Judy up...not talk her down.  I have to treat myself as nicely as I would any of the clients I worked with when I was a case manager or worked in psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers. Trust me, I haven't always done that.  And finally, I have to reach out. To my daughter.  To my support group.  To a therapist.

Now here is why this is a "daily decision".  I have to do these things on a daily basis.  If I stop taking medication, it will no longer work.  If I stop reaching out and hide in bed, I will soon be in pretty bad shape.  If I stop working on the way I talk to myself, I will soon be in my default.  And that means that my self-talk will be negative and punitive.  So, here it is.  I had to wake up this morning and commit myself to my recovery.  I have to push through the shame and the depression to be positive. Everyone has their own path to recovery.  But here is where we are the same:  EVERY day of the rest of our lives we will have to make that choice. And we will have to act AS IF we are already there. Because the alternative is...death. Can you relate to this?  Let me know how.  I love hearing from you.  In sharing is healing.

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