If I had to choose words to describe my life with depression, I would choose 'shame', 'guilt', and 'sadness'. I have judged myself and come up wanting in many areas. I have punished myself harshly for perceived flaws...some real, some not. When people criticize me, I have taken it so to heart that it could throw me into a funk that lasted and influenced my ability to function. In summary, I haven't been a particularly good friend to Judy. Which explains a lot if you know me. For years, I struggled with a pattern of apologizing for everything. Friends would notice and tell me to quit it. I couldn't. I really felt like I had to apologize. That habit was a clear indicator of how I viewed myself and my place in this world. I was so sure that I wasn't worthy, I felt like I had to apologize. For what, I really don't know. As usual, I have pretty good insight into what caused this for me. I took on a lot of responsibility for Maxine as a child. I couldn't do anything to make things better. And in addition, I didn't do well at school. I wasn't popular. I wasn't 'enough'. Whatever enough is. But insight didn't change the pattern.
Now, I'm 57 years old. Working on making changes in my life. Writing this blog has been a huge part of that. Something happens when I sit down at a computer to write. I acknowledge the issue. I see it in black and white. And I own my responsibility for changing things. I recognize that I have a limited time to live. And I know that the quality of the rest of my life is going to be defined by me. Getting older isn't easy. I have physical problems I didn't have as a younger woman. I have fears about getting sick and being unable to work. But here is the thing that makes it survivable: I am capable. I can cope. I have love in my life. And with love comes possibility.
I don't have to live in the certainty that I'm not enough anymore. I understand the pattern and I have tools for moving past it. I don't apologize so much these days. I accept my strengths and my weaknesses. I recognize that I'm a unique person and there is no reason to punish myself for that. I also understand that I'm like other human beings in many ways, and therefore, have the same issues that other human beings have. I couldn't change what happened with Maxine. She was mentally ill. I wasn't responsible. I was a child. I have even forgiven Maxine. So, the fact is...I don't have to continually beat myself up over things I truly had no control over. I will continue to have struggles. That is what life is about. I can move through those struggles...without judging my worth.
Can you relate to this? Have you been able to make changes in your life and your view of your worth? Are you still struggling? How can you move into self-acceptance? Let's talk!!
Now, I'm 57 years old. Working on making changes in my life. Writing this blog has been a huge part of that. Something happens when I sit down at a computer to write. I acknowledge the issue. I see it in black and white. And I own my responsibility for changing things. I recognize that I have a limited time to live. And I know that the quality of the rest of my life is going to be defined by me. Getting older isn't easy. I have physical problems I didn't have as a younger woman. I have fears about getting sick and being unable to work. But here is the thing that makes it survivable: I am capable. I can cope. I have love in my life. And with love comes possibility.
I don't have to live in the certainty that I'm not enough anymore. I understand the pattern and I have tools for moving past it. I don't apologize so much these days. I accept my strengths and my weaknesses. I recognize that I'm a unique person and there is no reason to punish myself for that. I also understand that I'm like other human beings in many ways, and therefore, have the same issues that other human beings have. I couldn't change what happened with Maxine. She was mentally ill. I wasn't responsible. I was a child. I have even forgiven Maxine. So, the fact is...I don't have to continually beat myself up over things I truly had no control over. I will continue to have struggles. That is what life is about. I can move through those struggles...without judging my worth.
Can you relate to this? Have you been able to make changes in your life and your view of your worth? Are you still struggling? How can you move into self-acceptance? Let's talk!!
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