At least these are the least helpful for me. People want to help when you are depressed. And I found in my situation that they really wanted to help when I was suicidal. But not everything that was said was helpful. Periodically, I'm reminded about how these statements made me feel....because someone uses them in another context. Or I find them being thrown around in support groups. Being 'helpful' in these ways, in my opinion, can actually have the opposite impact. And I'm going to make a general statement here: If you are somehow telling someone that they are being selfish by saying they want to die....you are not helpful. There are debates out there ad nauseum about whether suicide is a selfish act. I can see the point in both sides. And I still don't believe that making that accusation towards someone suffering is the least bit helpful. So, here are my least helpful statements:
1. "Don't feel that way. My ____________ is very sick. They might die. Living is worth it." Here is my answer: At the time, living most certainly doesn't seem worth it. And knowing that others are suffering doesn't make you feel more inspired to live. Most of the time, the desire to die is connected to simply wanting the pain to stop. If your depression has led you to a point where you are wanting to die, you are in so much pain that you can't see the gift in life. And frankly, I think that statement is an attempt to 'guilt' someone about their suicidal ideation. Nothing is less likely to make someone think that you are there to help them through then trying to produce guilt.
2. "Don't you dare say that. Don't you know how much you are worrying _____________? Do you think he/she/they should have to deal with your death?" Here is my answer: When you tell someone you love that you are feeling so bad that you want to die, it is better than hiding it. For me, it means that I'm still looking for solutions. It means that I'm not yet so checked out that I'm actively looking for the drugs that I would take for an overdose. It means that I'm reaching out to my loved one. It means that I'm saying that this is serious and I don't know what to do. When someone has made the decision to actually do it, that is when they stop reaching out. If I stop talking to you....then you can worry. Again, another 'guilting' statement. How much more direct can you make it? If you talk, you are going to cause pain for your loved one.
3. "It isn't that bad." Here is my answer: How the heck do you know? Are you in my mind? Are you in my body? Are you experiencing this the way I am? Do you have a clue what depression is? Do you actually care?
4. "Getting your depression meds isn't all that important." Perhaps combined with "Don't you think depression is over-diagnosed?" Here is my answer: Are you my doctor? Why would you think you know what I need? Have you been diagnosed with depression? How do you know what my doctor should be doing? Do you play doctor for people diagnosed with cancer also? Do you tell people to stop vomiting when they have food poisoning?
5. "Stop focusing on the negative." Here is my answer: I can't do anything but focus on the negative. If I can talk this out, I'm in a better place than if I'm keeping it in. If I feel safe enough with you to share it, then you might want to consider how far that goes towards keeping me alive. But if you continue to shut me down in this way, I won't be talking to you. And that means one less place that I can be honest and share what is going on with me.
I probably could go on with this for some time. But here is where I'd like to stop. Do you have a least helpful statement? Share it with me. I certainly understand. While the folks above thought they were being loving, I can guarantee it wasn't heard that way. I know a couple of them were concerned. And they did think they were helping. Unfortunately, they weren't. And this is part of a bigger conversation. How can you be helpful in talking to people struggling who are depressed and suicidal? Ideas? All my love.......
1. "Don't feel that way. My ____________ is very sick. They might die. Living is worth it." Here is my answer: At the time, living most certainly doesn't seem worth it. And knowing that others are suffering doesn't make you feel more inspired to live. Most of the time, the desire to die is connected to simply wanting the pain to stop. If your depression has led you to a point where you are wanting to die, you are in so much pain that you can't see the gift in life. And frankly, I think that statement is an attempt to 'guilt' someone about their suicidal ideation. Nothing is less likely to make someone think that you are there to help them through then trying to produce guilt.
2. "Don't you dare say that. Don't you know how much you are worrying _____________? Do you think he/she/they should have to deal with your death?" Here is my answer: When you tell someone you love that you are feeling so bad that you want to die, it is better than hiding it. For me, it means that I'm still looking for solutions. It means that I'm not yet so checked out that I'm actively looking for the drugs that I would take for an overdose. It means that I'm reaching out to my loved one. It means that I'm saying that this is serious and I don't know what to do. When someone has made the decision to actually do it, that is when they stop reaching out. If I stop talking to you....then you can worry. Again, another 'guilting' statement. How much more direct can you make it? If you talk, you are going to cause pain for your loved one.
3. "It isn't that bad." Here is my answer: How the heck do you know? Are you in my mind? Are you in my body? Are you experiencing this the way I am? Do you have a clue what depression is? Do you actually care?
4. "Getting your depression meds isn't all that important." Perhaps combined with "Don't you think depression is over-diagnosed?" Here is my answer: Are you my doctor? Why would you think you know what I need? Have you been diagnosed with depression? How do you know what my doctor should be doing? Do you play doctor for people diagnosed with cancer also? Do you tell people to stop vomiting when they have food poisoning?
5. "Stop focusing on the negative." Here is my answer: I can't do anything but focus on the negative. If I can talk this out, I'm in a better place than if I'm keeping it in. If I feel safe enough with you to share it, then you might want to consider how far that goes towards keeping me alive. But if you continue to shut me down in this way, I won't be talking to you. And that means one less place that I can be honest and share what is going on with me.
I probably could go on with this for some time. But here is where I'd like to stop. Do you have a least helpful statement? Share it with me. I certainly understand. While the folks above thought they were being loving, I can guarantee it wasn't heard that way. I know a couple of them were concerned. And they did think they were helping. Unfortunately, they weren't. And this is part of a bigger conversation. How can you be helpful in talking to people struggling who are depressed and suicidal? Ideas? All my love.......
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