Sunday, December 7, 2014

Why how you say it matters.....

A discussion about suicide and mental illness made me think about how we talk to people dealing with mental illness.  Shaming, name-calling, and ladling on the guilt don't work when someone is facing the hopelessness of depression and they are at a point that they are seriously considering suicide.  I know.  I've been there.  There is that train of thought out there that if you tell someone they are being cowardly that you are 'helping'.  It isn't helpful.  I think it might be the same train of thought that leads people to shout at people threatening to jump to go ahead and do it. Now, admittedly, sometimes people do commit suicide. And in some ways, you can view it as a selfish act.  It does hurt those that love you.

But here is what I need to help you to understand.  Someone contemplating suicide is in so much pain, they aren't capable of understanding that.  They don't hear you say that it will be better tomorrow.  They can't see tomorrow.  They feel so worthless and/or think that life is so without possibility, they see no alternative.  The best example I can think of right now is Robin Williams. This is a man who survived addiction and severe depression.  He created a career based on his talent and an almost manic sense of humor. It was a career that led to joy and entertainment for millions of people.  He had love.  He had money.  He had a family.  And that wasn't enough.

Why?  Robin was facing deterioration from Parkinson's Disease and Lewy Body Disease.  The insurmountable wall for Robin.  I can't imagine the pain connected with his deterioration.  Seeing himself in the future without the ability to live life on his terms.  But I know someone else who has had that experience.  My Aunt A is dealing with Alzheimer's.  At one point, she told me that she wished she could kill herself.  I understood.  I didn't tell her she was cowardly.  I told her I loved her.  I told her I understood, but I hoped that she wouldn't do it.  I didn't criticize her.  I told her I would miss her.  She is still here.  Confronting her struggle.  However, Robin didn't have enough left to confront his.  It sure doesn't make him a coward.  He bravely dealt with his mental illness and addiction through a long successful life.  Then he decided that it was his time.  And he left his life.  I wish he hadn't.  But, again, I understand his decision. And I support and send love to his family.

What is my point?  I believe that love is always the answer.  Depression is biochemical.  And sometimes life situations become so overwhelming that your ability to see beyond is impacted.  Be gentle with yourself.  And maybe you can be gentle with other human beings.  Suicide isn't a crime. No matter what the laws say. It isn't a personal failing.  It is simply the act of a person who believes that they can no longer go on.  Maybe you can help.  But love is the right approach.  Not judgment. Please use your most nurturing and loving self to try to help. Let me know how you have done that.  I want to hear about your efforts to support.  Because that is where miracles can happen......

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