On this topic, I would never claim to be an expert. But a fellow blogger wrote an excellent article about relationships. Her basic thesis was that you shouldn't count on someone (a romantic interest) to make you whole. Or to "put your pieces back together". And that is a lesson that I have learned. Not easily. At a variety of times in my life, I have felt like I needed a relationship. I have been in relationships that were clearly not right. And I have stuck it out in situations that were clearly not healthy for me. So, when I finally left Orlando, I made a decision. When I get back to Nashville, I will focus on me. Not on someone else. I wanted to do things that make me healthy and happy. I care for myself, which means that my focus is on making my life work. Of course, I do have relationships. I have a loving daughter. I have wonderful friends. I care for these people. And when my assistance is needed, I am there. But I am finding that this kind of caring is really different. There are really no expectations in these relationships. I don't feel like they are there to give my life meaning or to help me prove that I'm good enough. Those are things that I have always craved in my relationships with men. That is the unhealthy part of Judy. No relationship can make you feel worthwhile. Or can give your life meaning And no relationship can survive that pressure.
So, what's different? In my new home, I have privacy. I live life on my terms. While I struggle sometimes, I take it as a challenge, not as a death sentence. I really am living in possibility. I don't NEED a man to make me whole. Of course, sometimes I think I might like to have someone to share my life with. Then I think about baggage. I think about conflicting expectations and agendas. And I come to the conclusion that if it is meant to be, it will happen. And this time, if it does happen...there will be some serious ground rules on my part. I will continue to live life on my terms. I won't adjust my life to someone else's desires and expectations. I will expect my partner to have their own life and interests. And I will expect us to share...without the expectation that either one of us has to 'change' in order to be right for the other one. If this doesn't happen with a partner, then I will happily live my life on my own. With friends and family. And I will be satisfied. Because...miracle of miracles...I am satisfied. I am OK. I am whole. If I'm ever in pieces again, it is up to me to put them back together with the help of a support SYSTEM. Not with a romantic partner.
I'm really surprised at how peaceful I feel when I think about the topic of relationship. Because I think this is the first time in my life that I can actually say...I deserve it. I deserve love. And if that doesn't occur with a romantic partner...so be it. Actually, I have more love in my life right now than I ever have. I'm willing to let it in. I also have peace. I work. I write. I spend time with my support system. I laugh. I exist. And I'm happy with it. I work hard to deal with my mental illness. I'm so grateful to be in this place. I don't want the Judy that is a big bundle of neediness to destroy it. I'm the person responsible for meeting my needs. And I'm choosing to perform that task with a great deal of joy. It took many years for me to 'get it'.
What do you think about relationships? Do you use them to "put your pieces back together" as my friend N. wrote about? Or have you found new patterns? What kind of assistance do you need to create new patterns? Let's talk! We might be able to help each other......I still need reminders that I can choose. I sure don't want to go back.
**Thank you N. for helping me think this through.
So, what's different? In my new home, I have privacy. I live life on my terms. While I struggle sometimes, I take it as a challenge, not as a death sentence. I really am living in possibility. I don't NEED a man to make me whole. Of course, sometimes I think I might like to have someone to share my life with. Then I think about baggage. I think about conflicting expectations and agendas. And I come to the conclusion that if it is meant to be, it will happen. And this time, if it does happen...there will be some serious ground rules on my part. I will continue to live life on my terms. I won't adjust my life to someone else's desires and expectations. I will expect my partner to have their own life and interests. And I will expect us to share...without the expectation that either one of us has to 'change' in order to be right for the other one. If this doesn't happen with a partner, then I will happily live my life on my own. With friends and family. And I will be satisfied. Because...miracle of miracles...I am satisfied. I am OK. I am whole. If I'm ever in pieces again, it is up to me to put them back together with the help of a support SYSTEM. Not with a romantic partner.
I'm really surprised at how peaceful I feel when I think about the topic of relationship. Because I think this is the first time in my life that I can actually say...I deserve it. I deserve love. And if that doesn't occur with a romantic partner...so be it. Actually, I have more love in my life right now than I ever have. I'm willing to let it in. I also have peace. I work. I write. I spend time with my support system. I laugh. I exist. And I'm happy with it. I work hard to deal with my mental illness. I'm so grateful to be in this place. I don't want the Judy that is a big bundle of neediness to destroy it. I'm the person responsible for meeting my needs. And I'm choosing to perform that task with a great deal of joy. It took many years for me to 'get it'.
What do you think about relationships? Do you use them to "put your pieces back together" as my friend N. wrote about? Or have you found new patterns? What kind of assistance do you need to create new patterns? Let's talk! We might be able to help each other......I still need reminders that I can choose. I sure don't want to go back.
**Thank you N. for helping me think this through.
No comments:
Post a Comment