Thoughts on approaching a new year......

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Sarah Bareilles----Brave

When I started writing this blog, I was talking a lot about Maxine.  I felt her story would touch other people.  Maybe they would be able to relate to what she went through.  I thought the way I grew up was something that could help other people dealing with mental illness.  The decision to write also corresponded with one of the most difficult times of my life.  I was struggling. I've spoken of it many times in my blog.  I was in Orlando.  I was alone.  And I was failing.  What I wrote was so emotional for me.  I remember writing one article in my head and crying while I was driving home.  To my amazement, writing was truly a catharsis.  So I kept doing it.  I wrote about the history.  I wrote about what it was like to grow up with Maxine.  And as I wrote, I realized how much I had learned from her.  I also tried to make my writing positive, realizing that I needed to hear the positive in order to get through.  I wrote about growth.  I wrote about getting through.  I wrote about gifts.  Because I needed to hear reminders.

As I continued to write, I started to talk more about my own depression. Through a hospitalization.  And then through a move that seemed to kick-start a recovery.  I still held back sometimes, because it is simply embarrassing to share the kind of things that every depressed person can relate to.  I was judging myself.  I started with a small number of readers...maybe 25 for each article.  And I felt like that was fine, because the purpose of the blog was still primarily to help me heal.  Even if that wasn't what I was saying.  The other purpose was to help my daughter.  Even if J. doesn't necessarily read the blog on a regular basis...this is her family history.  And I'm eventually going to leave it as a gift for her.  It is our family legacy.  

At some point, it changed.  I started getting more and more honest.  I looked for ways to expand my audience, learning more and more about where and how to share it.  I started talking about a book.  And I realized how deeply I wanted to become an advocate.  It wasn't something I was saying.  It was something I was feeling in the core of my soul. And I shared even the stuff that frightened me.  I admitted to an audience that I hadn't wanted to admit it to that I have been suicidal.  I have been hospitalized.  I stopped saying "It is all OK" and openly said....I could have died.  I sure wanted to.

So, where does it go from here?  I don't know.  I have literally had over 30,000 hits on this blog.  I'm hearing from people who desire for me to write for them in their venues.  And I feel like I'm actually doing it.  I'm advocating for people living with mental illness.  I've heard Sarah Bareilles sing this song many times.  But the other day, I REALLY heard it.  I read the lyrics. And I want YOU to really hear them.  So, I'm posting them for you.  Be brave.  Keep sharing if you are already doing so.  And start sharing if you are afraid to.  Let the words fall out.  It may be the most awesome experience of your life.  You don't have to write a blog.  You simply have to start talking.  In a place where YOU feel safe.  If it is only to me, I am here.  And I'm ready to listen.  All my love.  Happy New Year!