Starting during the time that I lived in Orlando and was dealing with my depression, I started writing about home on my blog. The concept of home is important to me. When I was growing up with my mentally ill mom---Maxine---I really yearned to find home. Growing up, I never really felt at home. I lived with a severely mentally ill woman. And the result was that 'home' was dirty. Mom didn't do housework. And it was filled with smoke. Both my parents smoked. Not particularly a place that a child would be comfortable. In addition, home was filled with anger and stress. My Mom was always yelling at my Dad and calling him "Queer". Dad certainly yelled back I remember hiding out in my room. But that didn't help a whole lot. Ask any child hiding out in their room due to family problems whether they are peaceful and calm. Life at home was terrible. I would look at other homes and wonder what it was like to live with a 'normal' family. Life at school wasn't much better. I had social problems. I struggled academically. I struggled. The place that I felt most at home was in my books. I read a lot.
So, as an adult...I proceeded to look for home in relationships. My marriage was a temporary solution, but it didn't last. When I was raising J., I tried to create 'home'. I think I did it to an extent. My daughter remembers me as a loving and supportive Mom. But I felt on edge. I struggled. I saw myself as a failure. I had friends. But sometimes friendships were an impediment to my finding home. I compared what I was doing to what they were doing. And my home didn't feel like 'enough' as a consequence. There was insecurity. There were financial issues. Sometimes I even re-created the dirt and mess that I grew up with. I didn't even know what home was. It is hard to find something that you don't know how to define. I continued to look for home in relationships. It didn't work out. Then I would avoid relationships, figuring I wasn't able to create home with a man. So I didn't need to try.
On this holiday, I'm creating my home. I know how to define it. It is something that is internal. Finding it means dealing with my depression. I have my own place. I have friends and family. I have love. It isn't perfect, but I work very hard to create it for myself. I have a space. And I try to keep it comfortable. Not pristine. Just comfortable. I'm in a good place this holiday season. I'm pretty satisfied. I understand what home is to me. And I have it. People dealing with mental illness don't always have home in the way I define it. Literally or figuratively, they are homeless. There are few connections that are affirming and help them deal with their mental illness. They are isolated and alone. Many times, their mental illness has driven away people that might be natural supporters. They simply exist in their pain. And sometimes, they exist on the streets. Being homeless and mentally ill must be extraordinarily frightening. I've come close to having that experience myself at times. That prospect was part of the issue when I last visited the hospital.
So, here is what I'm dedicating my holiday season and new year to. I want to reach out to those living with mental illness and help them find home. In whatever way I can. How do you suggest I do that work? I write my blog. But I want to do more. How do you advocate for people living with mental illness? How do you advocate for yourself? And if you are currently in the space of needing someone to advocate for you, what do you need? How can I help you find home? Let's talk!!
So, as an adult...I proceeded to look for home in relationships. My marriage was a temporary solution, but it didn't last. When I was raising J., I tried to create 'home'. I think I did it to an extent. My daughter remembers me as a loving and supportive Mom. But I felt on edge. I struggled. I saw myself as a failure. I had friends. But sometimes friendships were an impediment to my finding home. I compared what I was doing to what they were doing. And my home didn't feel like 'enough' as a consequence. There was insecurity. There were financial issues. Sometimes I even re-created the dirt and mess that I grew up with. I didn't even know what home was. It is hard to find something that you don't know how to define. I continued to look for home in relationships. It didn't work out. Then I would avoid relationships, figuring I wasn't able to create home with a man. So I didn't need to try.
On this holiday, I'm creating my home. I know how to define it. It is something that is internal. Finding it means dealing with my depression. I have my own place. I have friends and family. I have love. It isn't perfect, but I work very hard to create it for myself. I have a space. And I try to keep it comfortable. Not pristine. Just comfortable. I'm in a good place this holiday season. I'm pretty satisfied. I understand what home is to me. And I have it. People dealing with mental illness don't always have home in the way I define it. Literally or figuratively, they are homeless. There are few connections that are affirming and help them deal with their mental illness. They are isolated and alone. Many times, their mental illness has driven away people that might be natural supporters. They simply exist in their pain. And sometimes, they exist on the streets. Being homeless and mentally ill must be extraordinarily frightening. I've come close to having that experience myself at times. That prospect was part of the issue when I last visited the hospital.
So, here is what I'm dedicating my holiday season and new year to. I want to reach out to those living with mental illness and help them find home. In whatever way I can. How do you suggest I do that work? I write my blog. But I want to do more. How do you advocate for people living with mental illness? How do you advocate for yourself? And if you are currently in the space of needing someone to advocate for you, what do you need? How can I help you find home? Let's talk!!
No comments:
Post a Comment