Sometimes, I think that people living with mental illness get so used to being criticized that they don't recognize the difference between productive feedback and stigma. As a group, we tend to be 'testy'. And when someone shares a basic truth, we react so defensively that we miss the nugget in the feedback. Telling you to 'get over it' is stigma. Telling you to keep looking for options in recovery is encouragement, not stigma. I think that we sometimes think that if someone encourages us to go outside our comfort zone, that they aren't being supportive. How did this come up? I had a difficult exchange with a woman dealing with a lot of really difficult issues. I told her that the combination of a diagnosis and the losses she talked about were a heavy burden to carry. She apparently took that as criticism. It wasn't criticism. It was acknowledgement of her difficult situation. It is my opinion that she was looking for a slight. And found it in what was said. I get it. When you are dealing with mental health issues, there are many people out there that will tell you to "get over it" or "move on".
So, when you are given feedback, how do you recognize when it is actually helpful? How do you keep from becoming angry before you know what was said? I'll tell you, it isn't easy. But I can also tell you that some of the most helpful feedback came off as harsh when I initially heard it. Really. I told you about my friend Maria previously. And how she told me to get up off my bed and go walking when I was truly feeling suicidal. Maria was firm. My first instinct was to get angry. And hang up the phone. But underneath that anger was the recognition that she was trying to help me. And I acted on what she suggested. With the result that I took a walk and lived another day to continue battling the depression and hopelessness. The end result is that I have time with my daughter. I really am recognizing the gifts in my life. And no matter how much I wanted to be insulted by what Maria asked me to do...I am grateful instead.
Now...do you struggle with taking feedback? The first thing I would like you to look at is whether you are willing to look at solutions. Or if you are stuck in the problem. If all you want to do is to tell people that you are miserable and your life is hopeless, than you are likely not healthy enough to acknowledge solutions. I remember being there. And I also remember finding one nugget that led me to my home. My daughter told me that I didn't have to wait to come home until I was doing better. I should just come home so we could make changes that would lead to me feeling and doing better. She was right. I wanted to come home feeling good. I wanted to head home with a successful business. I couldn't pull that off. And not seeing the option of just going home to re-build was keeping me very depressed. I learned in those moments talking with my daughter that I could be my own worst enemy because of my depression. Now, are some situations hopeless? Maybe. But not as many as we assume. Much can be accomplished by working to change our mindset. Which is heavily influenced by our mental illness. Much can be changed by asking for help. And accepting it. Even when it challenges our notions of what can be accomplished in our hopelessness.
Can you see any help in these thoughts? I hope so. Listening to feedback can save your life. Even if you don't recognize the possibility right at this moment. I encourage you to work to be open-minded. It is a battle that is well worth fighting.
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