Love you Dad....Wishing you a Happy Birthday!

Today I’m 56 years old.  This will be a huge birthday for me.  My Dad died during his 56^th year.  Those of you who’ve read this blog for any significant period of time know that he was important to me.  At the time that he died, I was newly married.  I lived in Central Illinois and he was in Chicago.  Of course, I have regrets.  The night before he died, I called to speak to him.  He was asleep at the time.  So I never got to have that last conversation with him.  But I do know that I told him over and over during his lifetime that I loved him.  He was the first person that I remember being a source of unconditional love.  He laughed with me and sometimes he laughed at me.  He loved me. He was there as a source of normalcy during the worst of my Mom’s illness.

Dad was a gentle soul.  He was a good man.  I proudly look to him for my ethical compass.  And when I do wrong, he is the person who I apologize to under my breath.  I respected him very much. He was also extraordinarily strong.  Even with the times that he tried to hide out…or the times that he yelled at Mom…he knew that it was his job to be there for the family.  He didn’t leave my Mom in spite of all the abuse she threw his way.  He stayed in spite of all the name-calling.  He stuck it out through all the financial difficulties as a consequence of her spending excesses.  He tried to support us even through the pain of Mom’s mental illness.  He kept going through his serious physical illness.  He even kept going when times got rough on the job front. 

He died far too young.  I wasn’t ready for him to go.  But he had been very ill.  He suffered through heart attack after heart attack.  And he had nerve damage due to diabetes.  During the time that he was going through this, I was starting a new life.  And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to help him through things.  But I loved him. His life has been an inspiration.  I’m so grateful for his example. So, today I’m going to be grateful for the life I have.  I‘m going to realize that it really is a gift that I made it to my 56^th birthday.  This is MY birthday.  But Dad’s life and example will be what I’m going to be thinking about.  I’ll remember his grace in living with and through the mental illness of my Mom.  I still miss you, Dad.  And I love you very much.  I’ll live this 56^th year in honor of you.