Living in
the moment. Simply living and living
simply. In a life filled with depression,
anxiety and worry…I have had few opportunities to feel a sense of peace. Today, I'm taking that opportunity. I’ve chosen a simple existence. One in which I'm working to provide myself
with the basics. The job is something that I enjoy. I get to see people. And enjoy conversation. I’m letting go of the need to do or be something
that I might not be. I’m allowing myself
the opportunity to accept myself for who and what I am. Today, I’m Judy. I’m in Tennessee. In a small town. While waiting for a shift at a ‘day job’
which will provide the basics and not much else. I’ve committed myself to the luxury of recognizing
that all I have is today. I can’t see
into tomorrow.
Right at
the moment, I’m sitting in a public library.
Using my free time to gaze out the window into the picturesque downtown
and express what I’m feeling in a blog article.
My computer isn’t behaving particularly well. Sometimes it skips around in the document and
I find I’m typing in another section.
But I’m giving up my worry about what that means. I’m being patient with myself and my computer. I’m not borrowing problems that haven’t occurred
yet. I’m not living in the ‘what if’s’
of my life. I ate a big breakfast at a
small downtown snack shop. I sat outside
while I ate and enjoyed the cool air. It
was a snack shop that allows smoking. So
instead of becoming annoyed, I simply sat outside and used the table and chairs
provided. The cool air was nice. No
worries about what I’m doing or not doing.
No obsessing about what I’ve failed at.
Or what I’m not doing right at this moment to move myself forward. Or on why I’ve not achieved more in life.
As a person
who has always had this cloud or worry hanging over her, this feels very
peaceful. I’m enjoying the fact that I’m
close to my daughter. I’m enjoying the
fact that there is a man in Orlando who loves me enough to ask me whether I
want to change my last name. Even though
that raises all sorts of worry about “what should I do” on a normal day, I’m
not giving in to the worry. I’m simply enjoying the love. There isn’t any heavy significance today. What is just is.
Today, I
don’t care that I have a few wrinkles.
And that I’m getting older. I’m
not looking at my makeup over and over in the mirror to make sure that I look
good enough. I’m accepting Judy for what
she looks like. I’m not comparing myself
to other people. As a matter of fact, I’m indulging in my favorite pastime…people
watching. Not for the purpose of
judging. Just for the purpose of
watching. I find myself wondering about
who that person is. Not because I think I'm worse than that person. Or have less. But just because I love
hearing stories and getting to know other people.
I’m not
worrying about the fact that I’ve told you about my depression. Or shared personal details of my life. I’m seeing it for what it is. An attempt to talk about what mental illness
is. And to make it more comfortable for others to talk about who they are. So,
what has your day been like? Can you
relate to what I’m talking about? Are
you being who you are today? I have to
tell you, this really is wonderful.
While I can’t guarantee that I can do it every day, I’m grateful to be
able to do it right at this moment. Why
don’t you give it a try? Let me know how
it feels for you. I would love to share
your experience.
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