Choosing survival...

Here is what I learned as I grew up. Success is about what kind of person you are. Not money, not possessions. I learned as a youngster that good things don't always happen for good people. I suppose I took that lesson to heart. I watched as my Dad struggled. Of course, that had an impact. Sometimes I wonder if it had too much impact. I look at parallels in our experiences today and I am struck by some similarities. My Dad went through a period without a job as an older adult. I have had my own struggles in maintaining my business, so I have had my own struggles on the jobs front. Of course, both of us have wrestled with the impact of mental illness on our lives. Dad lived with a mentally ill woman for much of his adult life. I have dealt with mental illness on an ongoing basis throughout my life.

In some ways, Dad prepared me for what I am experiencing. In other ways, I feel totally unprepared. I have been struck with the thought lately that all I really need is my Dad. To point the way through. To help me cope. To gift me with the benefit of his wisdom. His experience, strength, and hope. Sometimes, I can feel mighty sorry for myself. Having this feeling that I am alone doesn't help. So, I guess I am getting exactly what I need. Because I realized today that I am getting experience, strength and hope from other sources. My friends have been there for me. Sometimes they are saying what I don't want to hear. Sometimes they are supportive. Sometimes they are a little tougher. More direct. But they are there. Always pushing me to do and be more than I can see myself being.

I have enough openness to accept this support. Even when I don't like it. I can't tell you that I always accept it with a great deal of grace. I am rebellious. I am convinced that my way is right. I am closed. But I listen. Eventually, I even allow myself to hear. That leads to change. It also leads to growth. I am grateful for that today. I kind of think that my Dad has something to do with all this feedback. I know that somewhere he is the one saying, take care of your health. That is job one. I think that he is also forcing me to examine assumptions about what I can and cannot do. In the process, I feel loved and supported in a way that I am extraordinarily grateful for. I need the benefit of the wisdom that I get from my friends so much. In times of upheaval and change, we all need the feedback we get from our friends. In my opinion, closing oneself off from such feedback is self-destructive. It is a powerful resource for change.

Hearing from other people can be a tool to push you. In the words of Landmark, I am allowing myself the opportunity to create myself from nothing. No assumptions. No preconceived notions. Just the self that is able to create possibility. Life really is about opening up. About creating yourself on a daily basis just because you choose to create. Just to play the game. So, I am allowing myself the gift of going beyond what my Dad gave me, because I am living in possibility. Today, I am choosing to stand for myself. That is the most difficult stand to take sometimes. But it is extraordinarily important. Because my Dad died at 56 years old. With diabetes and heart disease. I think he also died as a result of exhaustion from fighting the demon of mental illness. Exhausted from a struggle that he didn't deserve. Now, I wonder, what would have happened had he had the benefit of the friendships that I have? What stands would he have taken? Would it have given us more time together? In a world that acknowledges possibility, who knows what can be created?

Today, I am choosing wellness. Today, I am choosing to redefine Judy and what she is capable of. I am choosing survival. What are you choosing?