The Challenge...

In this short video is one of the most profound statements I have ever heard when listening to people talking about mental illness and what it is like to live with a mentally ill person. Or to live with someone else who ends up coping with your mental illness. As this family member says...figuring out what is a quirk of the personality vs. what is actually a symptom of the illness is difficult. I have found this especially true with my partners. People who don't get what 'is so' about the illness aren't likely to acknowledge symptoms. People extraordinarily dear to me deny the reality of my illness. They are shocked when I am depressed, even though I share my diagnosis with them right away. They blame mood problems on my lack of faith. My inability to see the positive in life is seen as something I have chosen. My depression is viewed as something I choose instead of being seen as an actual illness. They mistake my biological disease on personality defects. Not on a disease that has impacted my life from the beginning of my Mom's mental illness to what I deal with today.

I get it in a way. I have to remind myself that the feelings of depression are biological in nature. I have to remind myself that giving in to thoughts of suicide would be giving in to the family illness. I have to remind myself that I come from a long line of women with mental illness. I also have to remind myself of the progress that I have made in understanding. In learning about tools...from medication to prayer. From support from friends and family to using support groups. From asking for help to paying attention to my need to feel and look beautiful. From understanding my symptoms to understanding what not taking medication does to me emotionally.

But sometimes I wonder if some of this is a personality quirk. Not necessarily a symptom of my illness. I was confronted by my partner recently about not taking care of my car. A symptom of what? Am I lazy? Or do the days lying in my bed because I feel hopeless and am battling the thought that I should kill myself not count? I get down. This down feeling is not simply the feeling of someone struggling with a case of laziness. When I am depressed, I don't focus. I don't know what to do next. The thought simply doesn't occur to me. Washing my car is the absolute last thing on my mind. I don't care. I want to die. I have my Mom's old symptom. Washing myself doesn't always occur to me. I will remember to take a shower after two or three days. Because I am so worried. So depressed. So concerned with my misery that I don't even know what to do next.

If you don't 'get' what depression is and what it isn't, this isn't easy to understand. Like I said, even I battle the thought that maybe it is because I am lazy. Not because I am so busy dealing with the suicidal ideation that I have no energy to do anything else. Not because I am reaching out and hoping that someone...anyone...will come up with a good reason for me to keep on living. Not because I am extraordinarily sad. Not because I am dealing with moderate to severe symptoms of depression. Maybe it is a personality quirk. Maybe I am lazy and because of that personality quirk, I don't clean my car? I don't think so. I know I have this illness because I know I have the symptoms. I know I have this illness because of how much better I am with appropriate medication. Whether that is medication for my thyroid or the medication for depression. I know that I have this illness because I know that my family has battled mental illness. From my biological Grandmother down to my Mom. Even my own daughter deals with a form of it today. I get it because I have had to. I get it because it is no different than dealing with a physical illness. Learning how to move past it has to do with understanding. That is something that I have worked on doing. Understanding this illness. First in relation to my Mom. Then with clients. Now with myself. Of course, now I am focused on understanding you. Let me know your story. I want to hear. Especially the part about how you talk about your illness with people who don't really understand what it is. I clearly need to understand more about communicating. I don't always get through to my loved ones. Clearly. Maybe you can help me change that.

Here is the link to the video: http://bit.ly/Z2opHl