Trying to blend in....

Living with Maxine wasn’t a picnic.  As I have shared, her mental illness made her visible.  She stood out.  Truly not in a good way.  Not that she wouldn’t have stood out as a healthy woman.  She was a creative, sweet, and interesting woman.   But as a mentally ill woman, she stopped bathing.  She was angry and hostile.  She was nasty with people.  So, when she “stood out”, it wasn’t something that anybody would want to emulate.  Least of all, by me…her daughter.  As I grew up, I was more and more horrified by my Mom and her behavior.  And what I thought it said about me.  This made me feel like I stood out. Not in a good way.

As I grew up, the fact that my Mom stood out was something that literally caused me pain.  It made me fear any hint that I had ‘unique’ thoughts, ideas or behavior.  I wanted to be typical.  In the way I looked and in the way I dressed.  And of course, in the way I lived my life.  So, was I able to achieve this ‘typical’ life?  Not really.  I was divorced at 30 years old.  I worked in social services.  And I raised my daughter as a single-parent.  I never felt I was ‘typical’.  I had great insecurity about my looks.  And I feared that I was somehow less than most people.  As I have told you before, that had something to do with the fact that I saw myself as being related to my Mom.  A Mom who didn’t bathe for at least 12 years prior to my 20^th birthday.  So…what impact did this have on me? Well, first of all, it made me crave being ‘typical’.  And one way that was exhibited was in a desire to look like other people.  So, I was always attracted to buying clothes that made me FEEL’ typical’.  Which I was never really interested in.  I would look at suits.  Brown, blue and black.  And I would wonder why I wasn’t really all that interested in them.    I would try them on and never really like the way I looked.  This was ‘typical’.  Another example of this would be my choice in shoes.  As a younger woman, I would be attracted to the wilder shoes…the higher heels.  The fun colors.  The most interesting embellishments.  And I would feel obligated to buy the more conservative shoes.  Most of the time.  When I had a ‘wilder’ or more stylish/colorful shoe, I would feel guilty for buying it.  Because it wasn’t ‘typical’.  And why was I wasting my limited funds on such a wild shoe?  It wasn’t practical.  Or ‘typical’.

I was lucky enough to have a daughter who had no such problem with needing to be ’typical’.  J. has always followed her own desires and style in regards to clothing.  She is definitely her own person.  And being ‘typical’ is not an issue.  As a matter of fact, J. tends to want to go the other way…allowing her creativity and individuality to influence her choices.  She loves to explore consignment shops and thrift stores to find things that appeal to her.  Not because someone will approve or not approve.  But because it appeals to HER.  I have always envied that attitude.  Even as I was encouraging her to be more mainstream. So, where is this discussion heading?  As I have come to acceptance of my Mom and her illness, I have noticed a change in my clothing choices.  I have been more willing to take risks in recent years.  As I think back on it, I made some choices that weren’t ‘ typical’.  In shoes, there was a little more color.  In clothing, I accepted that I wasn’t really interested in a ‘suit’ as such.  I used the excuse that I couldn’t find a jacket to fit.  However, I notice that when I find a jacket that appeals to me because it is unique, I do find one that is in my size.  When I am shopping, I allow my emotional reaction to the clothing to influence my choice.  And I am attracted to quirky, unique and colorful.  

I have been choosing to shop in places that don’t have the ‘norm’ in terms of clothing.  I am not a ‘vanilla’ shopper anymore.  I have taken a leaf from my daughter, and I’m exploring the gems found in consignment and thrift shops.  I work with a local consignment store sometimes.  And it is basically a barter relationship.  I work with this store and I am paid in merchandise.  I’m doing this for a couple of reasons.  One of them is that I have lost weight.  And I need clothing.  Another is that I really like what I see in this store.  The owner has an eye for the unique.  She has quirky clothing and shoes.  Her jewelry is reasonably priced and sometimes kind of unorthodox. So, I enjoy exploring in this store.  And I love trying on the more unique pieces.  Not all of it is quirky.  But I find I can put it together in ways that are unique for me.  As I come to some sense of peace about my Mom, I am more willing to be myself. At least in my clothing choices.  Recently, I was given a pair of red shoes.  With a purple flower. They are absolutely adorable.  And probably nothing that I would have desired as I struggled with wanting to be ‘typical’.  I was also given a green pair with the same deep purple flower.  Again, not something I would normally have chosen.  Finally, I was given a white jacket with black piping.  In cut, and in color, it isn’t something that I would have EVER wanted to wear.  I certainly don’t feel ‘typical’ in it.  But I do feel joy.  And I feel like I am becoming myself.  I am becoming Judy.  This is fun.  And it has great meaning for me.  I really kind of like the person I am becoming. 

Have you found peace with mental illness and its influence in your life?  How has that impacted how you express yourself?  Have you noticed changes in the way you dress as you have come to some sense of peace?  Or do you still want to 'blend in'?