It turns out that you have to like yourself first....

Did you know that?  If you look at my behavior, you would think I don’t.  I start relationships from the basic premise of:  I am not good enough.  And therefore, I get what I don’t want to have.  Partners who are not loyal.  Or trustworthy.  Or who don’t like me as much as I like them.  Or who have their own difficulties with self-esteem.  Or who have another agenda that doesn’t match mine.  And I am surprised when the relationship doesn’t work.  So, why is that?  Because I start from a negative basic premise.  And that is…I am not worthy.  In spite of my work on myself, even with the affirmations, I am very insecure with men.  How is that related to mental illness?  I think it is connected to mental illness because I have this chronic issue with depression.  And so I battle that negativity.  Additionally, I think in my early years I learned something about relationships.  And my parents were role-models, of a sort. With the fact that their relationship was based on dealing with mental illness. That certainly isn't positive. So, I continue to behave in a way that doesn't indicate that I understand why I have to like myself first.  

Now, of course this is not something that is particular to me. Many women have negative patterns in relationships.  I worked in a batterer’s treatment program.  So, I know the types of destructive relationships that human beings establish with each other. And I have seen the consequences. Up to and including death.  Do I believe that all those women in the relationships that included battering were depressed?  Well, maybe not initially.  But they had to be somewhat depressed after enduring the pain, emotional and physical, of an abusive relationship. And here is what I believe is the ultimate truth: People who are depressed lose the ability to make choices that are appropriate for themselves.  Apart from the fact that leaving a serious battering relationship can be complicated and dangerous, they may not have had the ability to think clearly enough to make the best decisions. How do I see this in myself?  I am sometimes so desperate to be loved that I ignore the red flags.  I don’t ask the questions that are in my best interest to ask. Or I accept answers that don’t even make sense. I stick it out in spite of the obstacles.  And I exist on hope.  And so, I continue to get hurt. Over and over. Which isn’t a pleasant experience.  Yet, I keep doing it.  Can you relate?  I think that this problem is one that both sexes can relate to.  But women tend to be more likely to define themselves in terms of a relationship.  And so they are more likely to exhibit this behavior. 

How do we heal ourselves?  And how do we change this pattern?  Well, I guess that the most important goal would be to change the way we view ourselves.  And we surely need to stop defining ourselves in terms of whether or not we have a partner.  Women do not require men to survive.  And we are ‘good enough’ even when we are alone.  And that is probably something I need to affirm for myself.  Because I am just fine the way I am.  Not having a man in my life does not mean I am less than in any way, shape, or form.  I am a good person.  I am worthwhile.  And I am beautiful.  I guess that sometimes I still need those reminders.  How about you?  Can you relate?