When my heart is raw......

While the primary focus of this blog has been my family history and how I dealt with mental illness with my Mom, I have also written a great deal about my own experience with mental illness.  And how it has been of significant impact in my life.  I believe that I have had chronic depression since childhood.  Sometimes the depression is relatively easily handled. Sometimes it is not.  When I am going through tough times, I am prone to hopeless thinking.  And sometimes that has led to my having thoughts of suicide.  It is amazing how often that happens.  And although I have a good grasp on the tools that I can use to combat it, it isn’t easy.  Especially when I am not on medication.  At the times that I am depressed, I lose energy.  I want to hide out in bed.  I feel this deep sense of shame about whatever the situation is that is making my depression worse…and I feel like maybe I’m not worth having good in my life. I think that there have been times that I would have attempted to commit suicide, except I didn’t want to leave that kind of legacy for the people that love me…like my daughter.  It takes constant choice for me to maintain during these times.  And while I am relatively aware that the struggle has something to do with the way my brain works and that it is biochemical, every time it happens I am blind-sided.

As a person,  sometimes I am kind of needy.  I ask for reassurance from the people that love me.  All the time.  I have a hard time believing that I am smart enough.  Or pretty enough.  Or nice enough.  Or worthwhile.   I really do judge myself as not good enough.  I have been known to sabotage relationships as a result of this.  Which I think is a way of proving that negative image that I have of myself.  (After all, if all my relationships fail…that means that I am really that bad.)  As a result of this, I am kind of high maintenance sometimes.  The people that truly love me and stick it out seem to sense that I need their forbearance sometimes.  I am not always going to be the positive and upbeat person that they want me to be. 

I truly know how to move past the tough times.  I have the tools. So eventually my survival skills kick in.  But the time waiting for that to happen is painful.  And very frightening. Can you relate to any of this? If you can, you might be suffering from depression. And since it is frequently a medical condition, it is something that you might need assistance to deal with. The best way to find out is through talking to your doctor. Or a trusted mental health professional. Or through conversation and education. Maybe it is time for you to reach out?  I support you in doing so.      

To be continued...