With A Little Help From My Friends...

What would you do if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends.

John Lennon and Paul McCartney

In talking with a friend tonight, one who has her own experiences with the ups and downs of mental illness, I was reminded of the importance of friends as a coping strategy in dealing with it.  RG, who chooses to remain un-medicated, copes with depression.  Sometimes it has been serious for her, resulting in trips to the hospital.  As we talked, she reminded me about the impact that friendships can have on the course of mental illness.  She said that when she is really down, she finds it hard to get out of bed.  She doesn’t want to shower or take care of herself.  And she isolates.  Her support group of friends has sometimes been helpful during these tough periods.  And sometimes they have not.  She mentioned an incident in which a friend came by to pick her up for an activity.  She wasn’t dressed, because she had been depressed and found it hard to get motivated to actually do so. That is a common symptom of depression.  And her friend apparently got disgusted with her.  The result was that her friend left.  And RG missed the activity.  I’m also pretty sure that she felt worse after this visit with her friend.

Most of the time, my experiences with friendship have been different.  When I connect with people, my feelings of depression are less.  The close friendship I had in high school helped me survive.  My friend Kim related to what I went through with my Mom.  Her Dad was alcoholic.  And we spent much time crying on each other’s shoulder about our situations.  It helped.  She was accepting of me.  And knew how ashamed my Mom made me feel.  Kim was there with me through the worst of it.  I could even bring her into my house and not feel ashamed.  She was an incredible gift to me. For me, the trust issue was important.  For whatever reason, I trusted Kim to not judge me.  I knew that she would ignore my Mom.  And wouldn’t be shocked at how she appeared.  Kim could talk to my Mom.  She would be relaxed and open with her.  I was amazed.  Clearly, it took a special person to be that way.  And that is who she was.  Truly special.  I think she was the only friend who ever came into my house.  Literally. 

Therapists will always tell you that having a support system is important.  It is.  And that support system needs to be nurturing and loving for it to be successful.  Not like the friend that RG was describing.  We all “need a little help from (our) friends”.  We need love and encouragement.  We need a sense of community and connection.  And we need honest feedback to keep us honest with ourselves.  My Mom even needed that.  And I think she got it from my Aunt.  Those hours of conversation were important to her.  As bad as things were for her, I know that my Aunt made if just a touch better.  For my clients, I think the relationship with me was almost like a friendship.  Yes, I was the case manager.  But I was there to listen, to help solve problems.  And to care.  Which I did.  With some of my clients, visits were a bit like a social occasion.  We would casually talk and problems would be solved over a soda.  Love does a lot for people. 

Tonight, I got a little dose of that.  It was really a tough week.  But I was able to leave it all behind and go break bread with friends.  One of them said to me:  “You are with family”.  And I really felt it.  It was peaceful and nurturing.  And I feel immensely better now that I am home.  If you are living with mental illness yourself, do you have a support system of nurturing friends and family?  How about those of you living with a mentally ill family member?  Without that support, Lennon and McCartney were right.  You are definitely singing out of key.