Honor Thy Mother...

In conversation with my friends, Maria and Leslie, I was reminded about the importance of mothers to children in general.  And to girls in particular.  Our mother is our first relationship with a woman.  And as girls, that relationship can teach us what it means to be a woman.  For me, for the reasons that we have already looked at, that first relationship was problematic.   If my Mom was the one teaching me what womanhood was supposed to look like, I got an awfully skewed picture. Mental illness doesn’t allow a person to behave within the usual acceptable norms.  And so, my first role model was not “normal”.  Whatever you consider normal to actually be, I can show you that my Mom didn’t fit that picture.  She was different as a consequence of a probable biochemical health issue---mental illness.   As a child, I was aware of the fact that I didn’t really have a role model. So, I looked towards my Aunt as someone who was a normal woman.  And for years, I looked to my Aunt to be that role model.  I have always been grateful for my Aunt because she was a terrific role-model overall.  She has never been afraid to take that role with me.  And I am grateful that she was there.  It was important to my development as a woman to have a role model.   As many problems as I have had related to my Mom’s issue with mental illness later in my life, I believe it would have been much worse if my Aunt hadn’t been there.

In talking to other female friends, I am periodically reminded of the importance of a ‘Mom’ to grown women.  As Leslie spoke today about her loss of her Mom to cancer as a young child, and how this loss reverberates throughout her life even today, it led me to think about how my experiences have played out in my life. Especially in terms of the fact that most women crave strong nurturing relationships with a female throughout their life span.  This issue has shown up for me especially as I have developed an adult relationship with my own daughter.  J. and I are friends.  But first and foremost, I am her Mother.  And she still looks at me that way.  While I am sure she doesn’t tell me everything, there is an intimacy that I have with her that is obviously related to the fact that I am Mom.  And she relies on me for emotional support and validation.  I have always been grateful that I am able to be there for my daughter.  She knows I care.  And she and I are able to share in a way that is helpful for her.  And extraordinarily fulfilling for me.  While she is no longer dependent on me, I am STILL important.  And because of that, she honors me in every conversation that we have.  I feel her respect.  Even when she is annoyed with me.  During the time that I was so angry at my mentally ill Mother, that ongoing emotional support was not available.  Or at least I didn’t believe it was.  And she certainly didn’t get respect from me, most of the time.  

As I have written, I have realized how much respect I owe my Mom.  Despite the fact that she was mentally ill, she did love me underneath it all.  And I always knew that she supported my success in life.  Even though I would have denied it at that time.  How difficult must it have been to try and parent while sick in the way that she was?  How frustrating must it have been to deal with children when you are suffering and not able to think clearly?  I have never been able to recognize that until I started looking at my Mom’s issues through a much more sympathetic lens.  It is all dependent on your point of view and mine has changed.  NOW, I can honor my Mom.  In spite of her illness. This feels like a much more peaceful place.  I am grateful for it.  I hope that I am showing my Mom the respect due her by being willing to write today.  Even though I lost her years ago to death, I hope that she is somehow  aware of how I have grown in my recognition of who she was to me and what she clearly contributed to my life.  Today, I do HONOR my Mother….because I believe she is worthy of that honor and respect.  In spite of her illness and the problems we had in communicating with each other.   If that looks like growth, I am proud to say…it is.  And I proudly own it.