Gift from my past...

Although writing this blog has led to some of this, I try not to live in the past.  You know why.  If you are living in the past, you are not living in the present.  And given that I am older, I know that time is limited now.  I want to choose to have a fulfilling and happy remainder of my life.  But recently, I have had gifts that can be seen as connected to this exploration of my life.  Connected may be the wrong word.  One in particular isn’t connected, but is occurring at the same time as the blog.  So, it feels connected.  And that is that I am becoming reacquainted with some of the people that I knew in younger years.  From elementary school all the way through college.  I disconnected myself from these people.  Through conscious choice.  As I have shared with you, I always felt that I wasn’t seen in a positive light by any of my peers in school.  And that WAS connected to my Mom and her mental illness.  All of the pain from those years became a reason for staying away from people.  I would never have chosen to go to a reunion.  I felt judged.  I still felt anger about those judgments.  And so, avoidance has been my primary approach.  However, the existence of Facebook has made that avoidance a little harder.  And a few people are reaching out.  That has shocked me. So, this is what I am learning:

I am learning that I was seen as a kind and intelligent person.  All I can say is…HOW did I misread that?  How come I was willing to believe the worst of people without any real proof?  I am recognizing that there are people from that time in my life that I didn’t even know.  All I knew is the story I was telling myself.   And the racket that could be seen in my behaviors from that time.  I separated myself from a potential support system.  All because of how I viewed myself and my Mom.  

I have many good friends in my life at the moment.  One of them said to me in a conversation that he sees me using the excuse that “I am afraid” to shut out real potential relationships.   I took in that feedback at the time.  And since then, I have had these experiences that confirm what my friend was saying.  This is an example.  Here I am at 55 years old, being encouraged to re-examine relationships from the beginning of my life.  Incredible.  And I am seeing how my story contributed to the sense of isolation that I felt.  The most shocking thought is that I did it to myself.  Me, myself and I.  I convinced myself of a truth that wasn’t there.  

Now, I am not saying that there weren’t problems.  I can remember real problem relationships from that time.  But I don’t remember the bright spots.  And that is the bigger problem.  I was so into pain and fear that I couldn’t see past it.  And now, I can.  Or at least I am willing to entertain the possibility that my view may not be “right” or correct.  I have to admit that fact is making me willing to re-examine other assumptions in my life.  I am truly fascinated by that.  And I will be willing to let you know where that takes me. 

How many of you can relate to this struggle?  Do you create stories based on your world view that impact the way you move through this world?  When you are living with mental illness, I think that is almost normal.  That stigma convinces many of us that the world isn’t safe.  And that we can’t trust.  And we act on those assumptions.  That stigma is real after all.  Just sit in a room and present the topic “mental illness” to people and you will see that.  There has been much more understanding in recent years.  But the reality is that there are always going to be prejudices out there.  Does that mean that you have to choose isolation?  Of course not.  And I truly hope you won’t.  The point of writing for me is to let you know that you have choice in terms of taking care of yourself.  And here are some of them:

• See a therapist or life coach.  If you are insured, mental health services should be a part of your benefits package.  If not, check out your local community mental health center and see what services are offered within your price range.  Also check out whether there are sliding scale fees available.

•  Look for a support group.  Sometimes support groups are the best place to find reasonably priced support in a variety of areas.  They are usually free or involve a small voluntary donation.  Two of the best examples of this are Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.  For family members, you have Al Anon or Nar Anon.

•  Look for support online.  Get familiar with the NAMI website.  Continue reading blogs. 

•  Check out whether Landmark Education is available in your community or somewhere near you.  In terms of providing support and opening your eyes to alternative ways of viewing things, Landmark is an excellent option in my opinion.

• Start writing yourself.  I have become convinced that my growth in recent months came when I took a risk and sat down at my computer to explain our family history to my daughter.  You are the beneficiaries of that decision.  As am I.  I have learned so much through the simple act of writing.

Taking care of you is a conscious choice.  I don’t believe it can be done in isolation.  Keeping yourself separated from other people leads to more pain.  Not less.  I support your willingness to connect with other human beings.  Let me know how it goes.