Choosing...

As with many of my posts, this one is influenced with what is going on in my life.  To be 55 years old and just finding myself is a difficult place to be.  And for part of this week, I have really struggled. I reached out to a very smart friend.  Although new in my life, this person has had a huge influence.  She has a great deal of insight into me sometimes. This makes a whole lot of sense since she is an excellent Life Coach.  (If you are interested, I am enclosing her contact info at the bottom of this post.)  Sometimes, I fight her and don’t think she has insight. But in talking with her today, what I found totally amazing was this particular thought:  You have the choice in the way the rest of your life goes.  What a wonderful thought.  And though people say that to me all the time, I am not always sure I BELIEVE it.  I usually struggle with thinking that something or someone else is really in charge.  And I act in that fashion.  I blame my misery on my depression.  I blame my problems on how someone else is treating me.  I blame.  

This week I had lots of places to blame: Difficulties with clients, money, friendships, and even in the relationship with the man I love made me feel totally out of control.  I blamed my depression.  And I blamed other people.  But as my friend pointed out to me, the cause (not blame) is closer to me.  It is a basic belief that I have struggled with all my life.  I don’t have particularly good self-esteem.  Not narcissism, but self-esteem.  I wonder if anyone out there can relate to this?  I don’t feel worthy of love.  So, I don’t trust it.  I don’t feel worthy of business success, so I sabotage it.  I blame myself for forces outside my control, like the economy.  Or the difficulties of loving a man who lives in another country.  (How could I be so stupid as to fall in love with someone outside of the country??)   And if I am not blaming myself, I am blaming those close to me.  Which makes THEM feel crazy, I am sure.

I am not going to blame my way out of this one this time.  I am going to simply say that I have to come up with new ways of coping. I will need to honestly recognize the pressures that have made life difficult this week.  My friend suggested affirmations.  Affirmations are something that counselors have ‘prescribed’ for me since I started to go to counseling.  And I have told clients to use them myself.  So, I am not unfamiliar with the idea.  An affirmation is an attempt to train your brain to work in a different way.  It asks you to think in a more positive way about who you are.  Then you verbalize the positive thought a certain number of times a day…while looking in a mirror.   The idea is that what you verbalize is what you believe.  I used to use this example for clients when I explained this:   I would tell them that if you tell yourself that you are a piece of shit, your mind actually pictures a piece of shit.  Then you believe the description.  If you think about it, you know that it’s true.  How many people tell themselves they’re stupid and believe it?  Don’t you think that those messages have an impact?

Coming up with the affirmation is the tricky part.  My friend suggested peeling away the onion layer by layer.  So, what would be at the bottom of my fears about love?  What is the core of my lack of trust?   Sometimes not trusting is reasonable.  When you are just getting to know someone, and there is a distance problem…it is almost natural.  But there is more to this than that.  If I am honest with myself, I recognize that there is something in me that doesn’t believe that I am able to have love.  I have told you how self-conscious I am about my looks.  And how I have defined myself through seeing myself as somehow just like my Mom.  But is that it?  Probably not.  I was married at one point.  Presumably what I looked like wasn’t a problem for my husband.  Or in the relationships that I have had since that time.  Some men have actually told me I am pretty or cute.  So, that can’t be it.  Is it something about my character?  My personality?  I think that overall, I am a pretty nice person.  I make mistakes.  But all of us do.  And I can certainly be entertaining.  People tell me all the time that I am funny.  And fun to spend time with.  So, what is it?

I think I have found the answer.  It’s about worth.  Am I worthwhile?  Will someone still see me as worthwhile once they get to know me?  It’s about my strength.  Am I strong enough to handle a relationship?  Am I strong enough to stand on my own if I choose to end it?  Or if my partner chooses to end it?  So, here are my proposed affirmations:

I am worthwhile.  I am strong.

And just for good measure:  I am beautiful.

I hope that you have seen a path towards changing your internal dialogue today.  I think providing yourself with a strong, positive and nurturing self-image is the ONLY way to survive living with mental illness. Whether it is yours, or the mental illness of a loved one.  Take charge of making your life better today.  And make it easier to enjoy the rest of YOUR life.

Maria@knowbarriers.com