Have I ever felt safe?
I don’t think so. I have spent my
life coping with the feeling that I am headed into or I am actually in a
crisis. Is it just the mental
illness? Or am I dealing with the
reality of living with a disease that has made my decisions kind of
problematic? I don’t know. I CAN tell you where this feeling
started. It started when I was living
with a mentally ill Mother, and every day was about survival. Not about happiness. I have a lot of experience with this. But, I am a smart woman. I really am.
And sometimes I look at my struggles and say…what the heck are you
doing? And I don’t have an answer for
myself. So, I question myself…am I stuck
playing out a script? If so, how do you
stop it?
The healthy part of me knows that if you believe something
is going to happen, you head yourself into that direction. I totally believe in the power of
self-talk. And I am VERY in-tune with my
thought patterns. I totally believe that
a lot of what happens in my life I have caused because of what I tell myself
about what I deserve. I would work to
change the kinds of thoughts that I have every day if I saw them in a
client. But it isn’t so easy when it is
ME doing it. (I am working on it, hence
I am doing affirmations. Remember what I wrote previously? “I am strong. I am worthwhile. I am beautiful”)
Here are the issues I currently need to address: I am suspicious of the good that happens in
my life. I am overly willing to work
hard to please people in situations that I know won’t work. And when it doesn’t, I detach and
amputate. I run away. I sometimes think I don’t know how to make
appropriate choices for myself. And
figuring out how to change what is going on in my life has been difficult. I am working on that right now. Can I do it? I work to make the right choices. But sometimes what I choose just doesn’t
work. And I am totally devastated when
it doesn’t.
But I can tell you one thing that does work. It seems like writing works. Talking about what I think and how I act
makes it better for me. Why? I’m not sure.
Maybe it’s that seeing it in black and white makes it real. Maybe writing down what I need to do makes me
aware on a conscious level. Maybe I just
use the insight that worked for me as a case manager and I can more readily
create a more positive pattern. I don’t
know. But whatever it is, it is
amazing. So, I am going to do this on paper. Right now, I am facing tough decisions. And it is important to do what works. So, here goes:
- I am going to continue to affirm myself. I am a good person who deserves good in life.
- I am strong. And it is OK for me to rely on that. But when there is love in my life, I can also rely on that love to carry me through. It is not bad or wrong to ask for support from the people who love you.
- I am not a bad person because I struggle. Sometimes that is simply life on life’s terms. I can do things to make it better. I don’t have to hate myself because it is ‘my fault’. Even if it is, I am still a loveable and worthwhile person.
- I don’t have to choose the most extreme response to situations. Things tend to smooth out over time. And when you SAY that you are stupid and don’t deserve to live…your mind hears it and gets even more depressed.
- I can use my strength to solve problems. And if I spent as much time solving the problems as I do ripping myself apart for having them, I would be far happier.
I am wondering if you relate to any of this. Do you have problems with the way you talk to
yourself? I think it is almost natural
to have this problem when you have dealt with the crisis of mental
illness. It is almost like having a
stress reaction. I know the chronic day
to day stress of living with my Mom did impact the way I think. And the way I deal with life. Are you struggling with that? If so, one tool of recovery may be for you to
write. And to share it with someone you
trust…like a life coach, therapist or doctor.
Or even with a trusted friend.
Stop beating yourself up…just reach out.
No comments:
Post a Comment