A Blessing....

Recently, I took a risk.  I have been writing this blog/book for months.  And I haven’t shared with anyone in my family that I am doing it.  Why?  Because I am afraid.  Will they approve?  Will they feel like I am violating their privacy?  Will they object to what I remember or deny my view of what happened?  Will it open up old family wounds?  Or create new family discord?  Is writing this REALLY the right thing for me to be doing?  At the thought of sharing this with anyone in my family, everything I fear is magnified.  And I create a story about what is likely to happen.  Now, of course you can tell that I am putting myself in this stuck position.  It is created by Judy.  The funny thing about that is that I know that is the case.  And yet I keep doing it. 

As I have written, and as I am trying to figure out HOW I want to share this material, the thought that I really should let people know keeps occurring to me.  And I push that thought away, with plenty of justification.  First of all, I still have no contact with my sister.  And as I have shared previously, I am highly ambivalent about how I want to deal with that.  I make moves towards getting back in there to repair that relationship.  Then I move backwards and feel safer because I HAVEN’T dealt with it.  And there is my Aunt.  Sometimes I feel like my Aunt listens to me.  And sometimes I don’t.  And I really fear her judgment about what I have written.  She is the one person in my family most sympathetic to my Mom.  And most protective of her.  Even of her memory.  I have come to some peace with my Aunt about this issue.  I have kept her informed as I realized more and more about my Mom and her mental illness.  She knows that my attitude is considerably different than when I was younger.  However, I have been worried that she might see this as a violation of my Mom’s rights.  And so, I have feared saying to her…I am looking to publish our family story.

In recent days, I have read what I have written.  And I can see that it is balanced.  And that I see my Mom pretty clearly and cherish her.  What I feel is coming through.  I am so much more at peace.  And my goal in writing is to acknowledge what happened, what I learned, and to honor my Mom’s struggle.  I want to reach out to other people struggling because I know today that I am not the only one.  So, this is not about self-aggrandizement or a “tell-all” to somehow get back at somebody.  So, I am gradually being reassured about who I am being.  I no longer fear my motivation.  It is pure.

To Be Continued.......