Anger
is quite a topic. And it was a regular part of my early family
experience. As you can tell, I wasn’t shy about telling my Mom what she
was doing wrong. She was very willing to tell me that I was a horrible
child. And the relationship between my Mom and Dad was just terrible.
They argued throughout the day, from early morning to whenever my Dad
would turn on the TV and hide. Where did all this anger come from? Why
was my Mom always so angry? Now, I could see what was going on with
Dad. We struggled financially. He was married to a mentally ill woman
who constantly told him he was ‘queer’. But I’m not certain what Mom’s
anger was all about. EVERY marriage has problems. But I don’t think my
Father was as cruel as he would have to be to have deserved what she
called him. If you remember what I told you about her family
background, I think that there might be seeds in that. Even if she
didn’t see it, I saw her foster family as almost derisive about her.
She really didn’t appear to be accepted. At least that was how I
viewed it. And I knew this because I felt that I wasn’t accepted. I
watched her relationship with them. I am sure that was compounded by
the fact that they saw my Mom deteriorate before we lost touch with
them. But she didn’t really take out the anger on them. She took it
out on us. I didn’t get it. And sometimes I still don’t get it. Where
was the line between her anger and the mental illness? I am still not
certain. Was it all about a biochemical illness that changed her
personality? Or did she just project some long ago family issues on us?
I will probably never stop wondering.
I think I ended up carrying this family anger into my teenage years and adulthood. Overall, I am a gentle human being. I really do care about people and want to please them. But I also have kind of a hard edge sometimes. This has impacted relationships in MY life. My sister and I currently don’t speak. Whose fault is it? Both of us. And NEITHER of us. I have attempted to reach out. I send her a birthday card every year. But I am almost relieved when she doesn’t respond. My relationship with my sister has never been very good. Here is how I view it: Her coping mechanisms in dealing with our history clash with mine. And we simply don’t get along. I can tell you all about the problems and crossed expectations that we seem to have, but that is an exercise in futility. I love her. I really do. But it never seems to work. Maybe we will re-connect someday. I never say never. But I am not looking for it. If this is going to happen, it will happen.
Now, let’s look at marriage. My one attempt at marriage. When I started seeing my Ex-Husband, I was grateful to be getting attention from a male. Remember, I didn’t think I was attractive. He was a nice guy. And very nice looking. And after a while, he was somewhat dependent on me. At least socially. I felt important to him. Did I love him? Now, I am not sure. Amazingly enough, both of us struggled in school until we started seeing each other. My grades changed significantly. I think, today, that I cared for him very much. AND that he made me feel like I was OK. Which led me to believe that I was in love. We started dating when I was 19 years old. I felt like I belonged. Which was a novel feeling for me.
The issues in our marriage surrounded instability. I wanted normal. With the white picket fence and the child. He wanted to go bowling. And he worked long hours in retail jobs that weren’t stable and led to moves all over the country. I think that was the first time I seriously noticed my depression. I went to therapy. And my therapist told me that I needed to set some boundaries with him. I wasn’t telling him what I needed, and she felt that was part of my misery. So, I did. I don’t think I did it well. The anger truly came out. I wanted him to say that he understood. He didn’t. He got resentful. And then HE fell apart. His hobby and job at the end was in bowling. He got a lot of his self-esteem from his talent as a bowler. I resented every minute he spent bowling instead of with me and his daughter. When he lost his job, we separated.
I am going to say it again, I didn’t handle things well. It was all about the hurt and the anger. AND, I think now that it had quite a bit to do with crossed-expectations. He was looking for something different than I was. It has been interesting that after he left our relationship, he got into a relationship with a childless woman. And they have bowling in common. They have been together since our separation. (I think they were living together before we were even divorced.) Now, they are married. Still, with no children. And though I attempted to give him every opportunity to have a relationship with our daughter, his attention to her has been hit or miss. I am not criticizing. I see this as crossed-expectations. Did he want a child? I don’t know. But I did. Very much. And I’m not sure I gave him a chance to decide for himself. I can’t regret that. I have one of the best relationships of my life as a result. J. has truly been a gift to me.
To be continued....
I think I ended up carrying this family anger into my teenage years and adulthood. Overall, I am a gentle human being. I really do care about people and want to please them. But I also have kind of a hard edge sometimes. This has impacted relationships in MY life. My sister and I currently don’t speak. Whose fault is it? Both of us. And NEITHER of us. I have attempted to reach out. I send her a birthday card every year. But I am almost relieved when she doesn’t respond. My relationship with my sister has never been very good. Here is how I view it: Her coping mechanisms in dealing with our history clash with mine. And we simply don’t get along. I can tell you all about the problems and crossed expectations that we seem to have, but that is an exercise in futility. I love her. I really do. But it never seems to work. Maybe we will re-connect someday. I never say never. But I am not looking for it. If this is going to happen, it will happen.
Now, let’s look at marriage. My one attempt at marriage. When I started seeing my Ex-Husband, I was grateful to be getting attention from a male. Remember, I didn’t think I was attractive. He was a nice guy. And very nice looking. And after a while, he was somewhat dependent on me. At least socially. I felt important to him. Did I love him? Now, I am not sure. Amazingly enough, both of us struggled in school until we started seeing each other. My grades changed significantly. I think, today, that I cared for him very much. AND that he made me feel like I was OK. Which led me to believe that I was in love. We started dating when I was 19 years old. I felt like I belonged. Which was a novel feeling for me.
The issues in our marriage surrounded instability. I wanted normal. With the white picket fence and the child. He wanted to go bowling. And he worked long hours in retail jobs that weren’t stable and led to moves all over the country. I think that was the first time I seriously noticed my depression. I went to therapy. And my therapist told me that I needed to set some boundaries with him. I wasn’t telling him what I needed, and she felt that was part of my misery. So, I did. I don’t think I did it well. The anger truly came out. I wanted him to say that he understood. He didn’t. He got resentful. And then HE fell apart. His hobby and job at the end was in bowling. He got a lot of his self-esteem from his talent as a bowler. I resented every minute he spent bowling instead of with me and his daughter. When he lost his job, we separated.
I am going to say it again, I didn’t handle things well. It was all about the hurt and the anger. AND, I think now that it had quite a bit to do with crossed-expectations. He was looking for something different than I was. It has been interesting that after he left our relationship, he got into a relationship with a childless woman. And they have bowling in common. They have been together since our separation. (I think they were living together before we were even divorced.) Now, they are married. Still, with no children. And though I attempted to give him every opportunity to have a relationship with our daughter, his attention to her has been hit or miss. I am not criticizing. I see this as crossed-expectations. Did he want a child? I don’t know. But I did. Very much. And I’m not sure I gave him a chance to decide for himself. I can’t regret that. I have one of the best relationships of my life as a result. J. has truly been a gift to me.
To be continued....
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