As I am struggling to figure out what MY life has been
worth, my thoughts go back to my Mom.
What did she leave? What was her
legacy? I am writing about what she
taught me through her mental illness.
But was there more? I think there
was. My Mom was an interesting woman
underneath it all. She had a great sense
of humor and loved to laugh. I think she taught me to find joy in life. When I
was a youngster, she had a small ring with two ‘carrots’ on it. She used to show it to me, and tell me how
lucky she was to own a two carat ring.
Even as a child, I knew that was an “ugh” joke, but the funny part was
how much she enjoyed it. It was even
funnier that she showed me the ring more than one time. And each time, we both laughed! Whenever someone talks to me about the number
of ‘carats’ in their ring, I see that silly two carrot ring in my mind. Her joke probably also taught me that
material things might not be all that important.
When she was young, my Mom took out a year or two and went
to California. I’m not sure exactly what
she was doing there, but she was interested in photography at that time, and I
think she did some of that. Along the
way, she met a couple of celebrities.
One of them was Jane Russell, the actress. She told me that she and Jane were
friends. And she told me what a nice
woman Jane was. Because I wasn’t certain
what to believe in when my Mom told me things, I wasn’t sure about the truth of
that story. Really? Jane Russell?
UNTIL I went exploring in the back of the house and found a Bible. It was New Testament, so I didn’t know why we
had it. As a Jewish family, we read the
Old Testament. I had an answer when I
opened the Bible. It had the signature
of Jane Russell. And a letter from Jane,
congratulating my Mom on my birth. It
wasn’t a letter that Jane would write to a fan.
It was clearly a letter to a friend. Amazing. The veracity of her
story has had additional confirmation since then. If you read about Jane Russell, she was a
religious woman. It makes sense that she
would send her friend a Bible. So, since
that time, I have wondered about that trip. What else did my Mom do? Why did
she go? I have a great sense of
adventure sometimes. I am willing to
just go and see what comes from it. Apparently, my Mom was that way also.
Another lesson I took from Mom was to be able to laugh at myself. When she was older and physically sick, she
used to joke about all the things that she could get away with because people
felt sorry for her. One time, she
accidentally put a small article (a bunch of hairpins or something like that)
into her purse so she could take it up to the register and pay for it. Once she got up to the register, she forgot
about the article in her purse…and basically shoplifted. It was definitely not an intentional
act. As my sister told me this, she had
me in hysterics describing Mom’s fear of being an old geezer in a wheelchair
being patted down by the Cops. (She really was kidding…..)
So, along the way, my Mom left me quite a bit that had nothing
to do with her illness. Sometimes I had
to look around her illness to see this. I think that this is true for anybody struggling with mental
illness. Remembering that the person you
are coping with on a day to day basis, with all the traits of a mentally ill
person, has more to them than an illness is challenging. As you get caught up with the day to day
pain, you need reminders of who they are underneath it all. How many of you out there have memories of a
loved one before the illness? How do you
remind yourself of who they are? Do
those reminders help you to cope?
When I worked with Alzheimer’s patients in an inpatient
psychiatric facility, I became very aware of this. I was lucky. I got to know the families. And
they told me about what was true of their loved one BEFORE the illness. I spoke to one gentleman over the phone about
his mother. He told me about how much he
loves her. And what a great and
supportive Mom she was. At this point in
her illness, she was unable to do much of anything. She had progressed in the disease to the
point where she had to be helped to eat and go to the bathroom. But it helped me to view her as more than a
patient when I spoke to her son. He
filled in so much about who she was. And
why I had to take excellent care of his Mom.
There was another patient at the hospital that touched
me. He was an ex-professor. Apparently he was quite a successful one. And as a patient, he was known to ‘lecture’
for hours on end. He would be up all
night, lecturing, without using an actual word the entire time. If you didn’t know his history, and who he
actually was, you would miss the meaning behind it. I sat up and listened to a few of those lectures. And it was far easier when I ‘got’ what was
actually happening. I could see the man
behind the illness. And even if there
wasn’t a word that made sense in what he was saying, he enriched my life. Another example of how a mentally ill person
made a difference for another human being.
On the funny side, I had one patient at the hospital who
wanted to get out of the locked unit in the worst way. And I was short, and looked friendly. I probably had a smile on my face. So, he thought that I was likely to be the
person he could get to get him out of there. He would periodically come up to me, and try to take my key card out of
my pocket. The result was that he was
feeling me up. And he would get annoyed
when I gently tried to remove his hands from my body. Then he would demand that
I get him “on up out of’ there. I appreciated
his desire to escape. I might have felt the same way if I hadn’t had that key
card. I loved the fact that he still knew how to take care of his perceived
need. I also filled in what he was like
as a man by talking to his children.
They told me that he was always a little like that. If you had something he needed, or he wanted
you to do something, he would not always be respectful of boundaries in trying
to get it accomplished. It was wonderful
knowing that. Like a little piece of him
was surviving. I loved this, even though it might not have been the most polite
part of his character. I hope that you can get in touch today with what you
remember about your loved one. Looking
at the legacy they have left you is a valuable exercise. Who are they outside of that illness? Do you have any stories about them that are
like what I have shared with you? Do you
see glimpses of their personality even in the illness? Recognizing gifts is something that many
people realize is an excellent coping skill. I invite you to recognize the gifts contributed by your loved one.
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