Apart from her mental illness, Maxine could be an awesome mother. I remember my Mom as being playful and supportive. She was the kind of person who knew that the best way to bond with children was by finding their joy. I remember one time when I was taking baton twirling lessons, she encouraged me to practice by marching the entire family around the backyard in a "parade". She was creative. She was loving. Until you factored in her mental illness. When you added in the illness, Maxine was frightening. Angry and nasty. Punitive whenever her children acted like children. As I grew up, I saw more of the mentally ill Mom than I did of the loving, creative one. So, as I moved into adulthood, I was more focused on her illness than the woman underneath it.
So, obviously Mother's Day has always been difficult for me. I never knew whether to celebrate her or ignore the holiday. Looking back, I think I pretty much ignored it. Dealing with Maxine and her mental illness was extraordinarily painful. Honoring her never entered my mind. I remember a conversation with my Rabbi as an adult about that whole honor your parents thing. Obviously, I felt guilty about my feelings regarding Maxine. I seem to remember that my Rabbi was supportive. He understood the conflict. And told me that honoring Maxine could take many forms. I was satisfied with that thought. It gave me an opportunity to continue working through my anger. It allowed me to recognize the difficulty of being a parent struggling with the kind of illness that Maxine dealt with. My anger has steadily dissipated as my understanding of what she lived with has increased.
Maxine gave me life. She gave me many positive memories. The fact that she was severely and chronically mentally ill robbed me of opportunities to know my 'good' Mom. But becoming an adult, learning more about mental illness, and becoming a parent all helped turn my attitude around. Even though I don't have Maxine readily available to honor at this time of my life, I have no qualms about honoring her anymore. Happy Mother's Day, Maxine. You are understood and loved. I know what kind of struggle you endured. And I forgive you. Glad to have you back.
For my readers...have you struggled to forgive an abusive family member? Let's talk about it. I know that many of you can relate. If you are struggling to 'honor' an abusive parent, we have something in common. Sending much love! Happy Mother's Day!
So, obviously Mother's Day has always been difficult for me. I never knew whether to celebrate her or ignore the holiday. Looking back, I think I pretty much ignored it. Dealing with Maxine and her mental illness was extraordinarily painful. Honoring her never entered my mind. I remember a conversation with my Rabbi as an adult about that whole honor your parents thing. Obviously, I felt guilty about my feelings regarding Maxine. I seem to remember that my Rabbi was supportive. He understood the conflict. And told me that honoring Maxine could take many forms. I was satisfied with that thought. It gave me an opportunity to continue working through my anger. It allowed me to recognize the difficulty of being a parent struggling with the kind of illness that Maxine dealt with. My anger has steadily dissipated as my understanding of what she lived with has increased.
Maxine gave me life. She gave me many positive memories. The fact that she was severely and chronically mentally ill robbed me of opportunities to know my 'good' Mom. But becoming an adult, learning more about mental illness, and becoming a parent all helped turn my attitude around. Even though I don't have Maxine readily available to honor at this time of my life, I have no qualms about honoring her anymore. Happy Mother's Day, Maxine. You are understood and loved. I know what kind of struggle you endured. And I forgive you. Glad to have you back.
For my readers...have you struggled to forgive an abusive family member? Let's talk about it. I know that many of you can relate. If you are struggling to 'honor' an abusive parent, we have something in common. Sending much love! Happy Mother's Day!
No comments:
Post a Comment