No, I'm not going to be talking about a romantic partner. Or maybe I am in your case. I'm going to be talking about support and where it can be found. After working on getting the picture of my Dad and Mom on their wedding day, I was reminded about a very important relationship in my Dad's life. My Aunt A. was his sister. You couldn't miss it. My Aunt and my Dad looked kind of alike. With beautiful red hair and that familiar Schwartz face. But even more importantly, they were friends. I knew that as a child. I saw it in every interaction they ever had. There was love. There was mutual respect. There was joy in the relationship. And trust me, my Dad needed her friendship. Things were really tough living with Maxine. He experienced her anger on a regular basis. Maxine's favorite verbal 'punching-bag' was my Dad. She would spend the majority of his time at home yelling or being nasty to him. She accused him of being "queer". (Which was not only an awful way of saying it, it was also not true.) She accused him of "hurting" her. And each conversation, even the most basic ones, would turn into angry and punitive discussions. So, I know that my Dad suffered. You can't live in a situation like that without feeling really bad.
I know the consequences of this added pressure on his life, although he tried to show a different side to his children. This man was sweet and loving. My memories of him are of his wry sense of humor and affection. In spite of all the difficulty in his life, he was a wonderful Dad. Because I was the child, I wasn't privy to his struggle. At least not in our usual conversations. But my Aunt was. As an adult, I realized how much support she had actually given him. Apparently, at one point, he had discussed the possibility of divorce with my Aunt. Who can blame him? His life had become a battlefield. And he was the gentlest of men. Totally unprepared for having that happen. I guess he decided that divorcing my Mom would only make the problem worse, because he figured that the courts would give her custody of his daughters. So, essentially he decided to sacrifice his own happiness for ours. And my Aunt A. was there to help him through this amazing decision. From what I understand, my Dad frequently got that kind of support from his sister. There were regular visits for respite when things were the worst. And she was always there to provide the love that he needed to get through.
I know the consequences of this added pressure on his life, although he tried to show a different side to his children. This man was sweet and loving. My memories of him are of his wry sense of humor and affection. In spite of all the difficulty in his life, he was a wonderful Dad. Because I was the child, I wasn't privy to his struggle. At least not in our usual conversations. But my Aunt was. As an adult, I realized how much support she had actually given him. Apparently, at one point, he had discussed the possibility of divorce with my Aunt. Who can blame him? His life had become a battlefield. And he was the gentlest of men. Totally unprepared for having that happen. I guess he decided that divorcing my Mom would only make the problem worse, because he figured that the courts would give her custody of his daughters. So, essentially he decided to sacrifice his own happiness for ours. And my Aunt A. was there to help him through this amazing decision. From what I understand, my Dad frequently got that kind of support from his sister. There were regular visits for respite when things were the worst. And she was always there to provide the love that he needed to get through.
My Aunt really was there throughout the struggle. For both my Dad and my Mom. She spent much time on the phone with my Mom trying to talk her down. And in spite of my Mom's mental illness, she was respectful and loving with her. That helped my Dad because at least my Mom had someone to talk to when her illness was the worst. My Aunt A. is an amazing human being. She has always been there for me in more ways than I can explain. Even when she disagreed with my decisions and actions. In the last few years, as the Alzheimer's Disease has taken hold, I'm very aware of what she did for my family. Every conversation is a treasure because I know that I won't always have her conversation. I really don't now. We have a whole lifetime of struggle that we've shared that can't be discussed because of her condition. But every conversation with her starts and ends with "I love you" because I know that I have a huge debt to her that cannot be paid back. She was "that one person" for my family.
How can you relate to this discussion? Living in a family with mental illness can be a tremendously difficult thing. And if you don't have support, it is horrific. Is there someone in your family or circle of friends that can provide a sounding board and respite if needed? If not, it is time to look for the support. We've talked about how that can occur. Support groups, therapists, friends.....reach out! If you need ideas or someone to talk with, I'm even an option. Reach out to me. I will do my best to be there. Sending all my love. Let's talk!
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