Denial....part of the illness.......

Of course, you know that Maxine was in denial.  She was never treated because she thought the problem was everyone around her. But what about the rest of us human beings dealing with mental illness? Do we deny? This question came up for me as a reader asked me a question on Twitter.  She asked me about a relationship.  And whether to end it if the person doesn't get honest about mental illness. I didn't really have a solid answer to give.  Denial is part of life.  We don't see ourselves the way that others around us see us.  And when we are mentally ill, our perceptions of what is 'normal' might be somewhat skewed. So...denial is part and parcel of being mentally ill.  When I worked in treatment centers with addicts and alcoholics, of course I saw a lot of denial. Few of them came in really acknowledging the truth.  And when they estimated their drinking, I would at least double what they told me mentally...because the "couple' of beers they claim for a night's drinking were probably swimming pool size.  With a few shots added to the mix.  I could actually see more of the truth in their health. And through legal entanglements.  And sometimes even in the reports of their loved ones.

In terms of mental illness, we all tend to deny because we want to look better than we actually are. We allow our pride to interfere.  We don't want those we love to know how bad it really is. Even though we know we need help deep down, we don't want to admit that. Denial serves a purpose for us. In a way, it is self-protective. But in another way, it is self-destructive. How has denial shown itself in your life?  Do you fudge a bit when someone is asking you about what's going on?  Do you try to put a pretty face on the worst problems that you are facing?  Do you blame others? ("Fred is the real problem.  I wouldn't be so depressed if he was a better man.") Do you deny? I think that unless you really ARE in denial, you would have to honestly say "YES!".  Whether it is about the depth of the problem, our responsibility for it, or the impact...we all try to deny.

This is why I couldn't really answer my friend's question.  My Dad didn't leave Maxine. He stuck it out through years of denial.  However, while I respect my Dad, I also believe in self-preservation. And healthy responses to difficult life situations.  If the mental illness of a loved one is impacting your own life and mental health, then maybe it is a good thing to leave. It is a matter of personal choice. Here are the tools that you can use to evaluate the situation:

• Reading books/blogs that teach you about the problem you think your loved one is struggling with.
• Joining a support group.  Al-Anon/Nar-Anon have taught many how to survive with a chemically dependent loved one.  NAMI has support groups for family members of those living with mental illness.
• See a therapist/counselor/life coach.  For many, 1:1 discussion can help make a difficult decision a little clearer.
• Look for online support groups.  If you need help finding one, maybe I can help you. Reach out.

So what is the answer?  The answer is that you have to find your own path through.  And the more that you reach out for help, the easier it can be.  We learn from each other if we are able to hear each other out. We have to be willing to be open and honest in order to make the decision that is right for us. I really believe that. And to move past denial, we have to be willing to make the effort to do so. What step are you willing to take today to work on your denial?  Let's talk!  We can do this together.