In February of 1980, Barbara Gordon published “I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can”. In this moving book, she tells the story of a woman battling pill addiction. In 1982, one of my favorite actresses (Jill Clayburgh) starred in a movie based on the book. I haven’t thought about that in years. But it seems to be a really good way to explain my problems with depression and anxiety. Sometimes, I really do feel this way. I’m dancing…and I’m still not sure that I can solve the problems… even though I am trying to do so. And I have the added issue of depression. Which I believe is a biochemical problem. Now of course, everybody is prone to depression during tough times. People do struggle. That is simply what happens during tough times. But I think that someone with my biochemical predisposition is even more likely to be impacted by uncertainty and tough times. At the bottom of it, I think that depression is a disease that cripples your ability to cope. Is that a fact? I really don’t know. I am not a scientist or a medical professional. I am just a woman who has spent most of her life struggling. And I believe that I have this family disease. I can’t prove one way or the other that I am chronically depressed. Except for the fact that I have had this chronic thread of hopelessness running through my life. And even when things are good, I am frequently kind of flat inside and and anxious. I'm usually waiting for the bad part to waltz in. I can be happy, but I don't trust it. Because in my mind, the bad part is the way it REALLY is. I am never really surprised when things fall apart for me. I usually expect it. Clearly, I am a “glass is half empty” kind of gal.
Sometimes the feeling of hopelessness has been totally overwhelming. And even when things have supposedly been good for me…for example when I was a young Mom living with my husband and child…I was still depressed. There is always a ‘reason’ for it. At that time, it was because we were moving around the country because my husband worked in retail. And I didn’t cope well with the constant change. But if you look at that realistically, I am a pretty flexible kind of person. I am able to problem solve, and create solutions. So, the fact that my reaction was kind of extreme, in my opinion, is an indicator of that depression. And I clearly remember the feeling of being depressed during that time. I was anxious. I was sad. In short, I was miserable. All of that made the enjoyment of what I did have difficult.
For me, life on life’s terms has always felt like a punishment. One which I could only avoid or change if I did all the right things. Or if I could change myself to be the right kind of person…smarter, prettier, or simply ‘better’. (Whatever that means) Hence, the feeling that “I’m dancing as fast as I can”. I’m trying. Why can’t you see that? Why isn’t it better? Why aren’t the problems solved? Why? And then I am down. And I stop even trying. And I don’t want to get out of bed. Or to leave the house. Or to even leave my room. Or to take a shower. Or to interact with other human beings. I am angry and short-tempered. And I start thinking about how much better it would be if I could just turn it all off. Maybe if I died. Maybe if I had the courage to kill myself. Maybe I should…and so the depression goes...and I am miserable.
Now, there is always stress out there. We all struggle at one time or another. But it doesn’t strike me as quite ‘normal’ that I have lived in that struggle. And that my thinking patterns have been this…tortured. When I take an outsiders look at the way I think, I am stunned. How come I feel this way? Did my Mom teach me this? Or did she raise me to be this way? Given the fact that things weren’t exactly ‘normal’ in my house, I am sure there was some environmental influence. But for it to intensely influence the remainder of my life in spite of efforts to change it, I believe it can only be the biochemical depression. Along with the fact that when I take medication, I live a smoother life, this is what I believe is confirmation of the depression. How about you? What do you think? Can you recognize some of these same patterns? How does depression work in your life...in your mind?
Amazingly, I think that writing has done a lot to help me work through some of these thought patterns. That might be because I am seeing it in black and white. (The fact that I write it so easily indicates that I really do think this way.) Finally, when I use my tools and explore it in these essays…I learn that I can influence my depression. So the answer to my initial observation is: Life will occur. Sometimes it will be rougher than at other times. It doesn’t happen because I am a bad person. Or not worthy. It simply happens. And with support, and my own strength, I will survive. And today, that is exactly how it is. I don’t have to dance faster. And neither do you.
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