In a world in which parents don't always stay together, I have noticed that our difficulties in connecting start early. Of course, I learned that marriage is full of strife from Maxine and my Dad. They had problems that went beyond the usual because mental illness truly impacted their relationship. I didn't have a strong role model for what a relationship was. So, when I became an adult, I didn't know how to establish a partnership. With the end result that I struggled to establish a marriage or a long-term relationship, If you read my blog regularly, you will find that I have come to the conclusion that a relationship is no longer necessary in my life. I have lots of love without a partnership. I'm happy and I'm satisfied. If it came down to it, and the opportunity presented itself, I would try. But only with ground rules. I honestly feel that working at a relationship at this time in my life would be difficult. I'm not going to be the most flexible partner. I want certain things in life, and if I don't get them, I don't want it. I really don't need further depression.
What concerns me today, however, is the way that relationship issues impact our children. I know that my daughter has been impacted by my relationship problems. And in reading posts from people I am concerned about online, I see similar problems. As a group, mentally ill people struggle in relationships. I guess that should be no surprise, sometimes a more healthy population struggles with how to define and maintain a partnership. If mentally healthy people have problems with it, who are we to think we are exempt? What if your willingness to take a mature approach could impact the future of your children? Would you make changes?
I'm going to continue to have a recovery focus here and talk about solutions. If you want a relationship, you have to be in a good place with yourself. When you are struggling with your mental illness, you may not be capable of dealing with the difficulties of partnership. A very perceptive poster in one of my groups talked about it in these terms...you have to love yourself first. People living with mental illness aren't always in that place. It isn't about not being attractive. It isn't about being worth it. It is mostly about how strong your sense of self is. It is about knowing you are worthy and being able to function as a fully autonomous human being. If you are looking for a partner to plug a hole or to repair something that you don't think you have, you are going to eventually lose that partner. A partner isn't necessarily a caretaker. It's also true that if you believe that your partner has to change to be more of what you want, you are going to lose that partnership. When you know that you are dealing with a mental illness, you should be aware that partnership shouldn't be your first desire. Recovery should.
How wonderful it would be if all those choosing to be in relationships knew that their first goal should be being the best you that you can be. How can you relate to this discussion? Do you seek recovery before relationship? Or are you more concerned with having a relationship than you are with getting as well as you can be? I think these are important questions. The answers may impact your success in many areas of life. Let's talk!
What concerns me today, however, is the way that relationship issues impact our children. I know that my daughter has been impacted by my relationship problems. And in reading posts from people I am concerned about online, I see similar problems. As a group, mentally ill people struggle in relationships. I guess that should be no surprise, sometimes a more healthy population struggles with how to define and maintain a partnership. If mentally healthy people have problems with it, who are we to think we are exempt? What if your willingness to take a mature approach could impact the future of your children? Would you make changes?
I'm going to continue to have a recovery focus here and talk about solutions. If you want a relationship, you have to be in a good place with yourself. When you are struggling with your mental illness, you may not be capable of dealing with the difficulties of partnership. A very perceptive poster in one of my groups talked about it in these terms...you have to love yourself first. People living with mental illness aren't always in that place. It isn't about not being attractive. It isn't about being worth it. It is mostly about how strong your sense of self is. It is about knowing you are worthy and being able to function as a fully autonomous human being. If you are looking for a partner to plug a hole or to repair something that you don't think you have, you are going to eventually lose that partner. A partner isn't necessarily a caretaker. It's also true that if you believe that your partner has to change to be more of what you want, you are going to lose that partnership. When you know that you are dealing with a mental illness, you should be aware that partnership shouldn't be your first desire. Recovery should.
How wonderful it would be if all those choosing to be in relationships knew that their first goal should be being the best you that you can be. How can you relate to this discussion? Do you seek recovery before relationship? Or are you more concerned with having a relationship than you are with getting as well as you can be? I think these are important questions. The answers may impact your success in many areas of life. Let's talk!
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