Saturday, April 25, 2015

Being "Good Enough"......

As Taylor Swift famously sang: "Haters gonna hate." Today, a couple of people in my support groups talked about that very issue.  And here is what I concluded:  I AM ENOUGH! Being a human being, I will make mistakes.  I won't always be perfect.  But here is what I will be:  I will be Judy.  With all my strengths and flaws. I will always do my best to be a good friend.  To be supportive.  I will always do my best to work hard.  I will try to be a good human being.  I will try to be positive in your life. And if that isn't sufficient...too bad, so sad.  Being "good enough" has been an issue for me for a long time.  In jobs.  In marriage.  In relationships of all kinds.  There have been many times that I've been seen as not good enough. And that resulted in loss.  I'm divorced.  I've lost partners and friendships.  I've lost jobs.

I remember one friendship that had a great deal of meaning to me. Unfortunately, that relationship was lost when my friend made one comment.  She told me that a mutual friend of ours only liked me because I was always in crisis and this friend liked to take care of me. What an amazing insult.  I'm only likeable because of weakness?  At the time that I was told this, I was ending my run as a single-parent in lower paying social service jobs.  I battled depression, lack of money, and the stresses of single-parenthood.  I have lots of strength.  I'm alive today.  And so, I have to look at that feedback as ridiculous. I have no personality traits that make me a desirable friend?  Of course, depressed Judy with little to no self-esteem took in the hurt and underneath it all believed it. But healthy Judy knows that was poppycock!  (You thought I was going to use a swear word, didn't you?  I considered it. LOL!)  Healthy Judy realizes that I have many traits that people might find admirable in a friend or employee. Here are just a few of them:  I'm hard-working.  I'm caring.  I'm friendly. (At my job, my boss is always getting feedback from customers who value me.)  I'm persistent.  I'm creative.  I love without reservation.  I will always have your back.  And I have a GREAT sense of humor.  Finally, I love adventure.  Time with me will be fun.  So, what on that list indicates not good enough? Clearly, I'm an amazing human being worthy of your respect.  And guess what?  I'm healthy enough to realize when you are going after me about not being good enough, it really is your problem.

As I spoke with one of my support group friends, I told him that I am trying to create "Teflon" Judy. I'm learning to let the judgments of other people roll off my back without the guilt/shame that they usually inspire. It is difficult for me. My friend is struggling with many of the same issues that I have had.  I hope I gave him some support for developing his own layer of "Teflon".  There is a difference between helpful criticism and someone who is determined to undermine your self-esteem.  With a bit of discussion, maybe we can all learn how to differentiate.  I'm certainly trying. And I would like to encourage you to do the same. Let me know how you can relate. Maybe watching Taylor Swift sing will help. LOL! Let's talk!!

Here is the link:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM  Enjoy!

No comments: