When you kick a dog, what happens? The dog learns to cower. The dog learns fear. And the dog becomes aggressive. Sometimes, I think that describes me. For the most part, I am gentle and loving. But I'm very likely to resort to defending myself. Where did this start? I think that Maxine was the start. Her anger felt like constant kicking as a child. I learned from Maxine that it is necessary to defend myself. And that tendency is still here. I defend myself almost before I know that there is something to defend myself against. And you do see my anger. Tonight, I allowed myself to work past a situation like that. I made an effort to reach out. And I found a new friend. It wasn't easy because, just like that dog who has been kicked too many times...I don't trust. I fear the vulnerability. I sure as heck don't want you close enough to hurt me again. And I clearly show you that I'm ready to fight.
As a woman, I do have to protect myself. I need to recognize when things aren't safe and be willing to make sure that I stay safe in this world. But I also need to learn that vulnerability is not a crime. And sometimes trusting can lead to growth. Or good. Or a picture of how we are more alike than we are different. The fact is that we live in a frightening world. And we have all become a little more protective of ourselves than we really have to be. I am constantly trying to figure out where that line is. When am I acting like that dog that has been kicked one too many times? And when am I recognizing a situation that is dangerous? Frankly, I usually don't know. And so I have to feel my way through these situations. I have to be willing to examine myself and my behavior. I have to be open to apologizing when it is necessary. And I have to be willing.......
The point of recovery is to learn new ways of behaving. I have to get beyond my fear and practice new patterns. It really isn't easy. But nothing that is truly good is easy. In what areas are you practicing new behavior patterns? Do you recognize when you are needing to take a risk with a new pattern? How do you find the courage to do it? What kinds of benefits do you find when you take the risk? Let's talk! When we share our recovery, we both benefit. All my love....
As a woman, I do have to protect myself. I need to recognize when things aren't safe and be willing to make sure that I stay safe in this world. But I also need to learn that vulnerability is not a crime. And sometimes trusting can lead to growth. Or good. Or a picture of how we are more alike than we are different. The fact is that we live in a frightening world. And we have all become a little more protective of ourselves than we really have to be. I am constantly trying to figure out where that line is. When am I acting like that dog that has been kicked one too many times? And when am I recognizing a situation that is dangerous? Frankly, I usually don't know. And so I have to feel my way through these situations. I have to be willing to examine myself and my behavior. I have to be open to apologizing when it is necessary. And I have to be willing.......
The point of recovery is to learn new ways of behaving. I have to get beyond my fear and practice new patterns. It really isn't easy. But nothing that is truly good is easy. In what areas are you practicing new behavior patterns? Do you recognize when you are needing to take a risk with a new pattern? How do you find the courage to do it? What kinds of benefits do you find when you take the risk? Let's talk! When we share our recovery, we both benefit. All my love....
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