One of the really silly things I do when depressed is stop looking for options. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sure that there isn't a way forward. And I give up. I'm sure more than a few of my readers can relate to this. So, I have dedicated today to practicing a new skill. I call it "an exercise in patience and flexibility". I have had a hard time getting to the doctor because of the cost. And this makes it difficult to maintain medications. Which is key to maintaining health. So, the first thing I did today is to call a clinic I have some familiarity with. I called them last week and got some fax-like noise on the other end. So, I kept trying. Today, I decided I would do something else. I used a bunch of tools to try to figure out whether the clinic is still in business. It isn't. Then I searched out another clinic. And I solved the problems I needed to solve...checking my insurance, days off, and making an appointment. I'm going to the doctor. When depressed, the path forward wouldn't have been so clear. I would have felt overwhelmed by the fact that I couldn't reach the clinic. And that alone might have stopped me. I would have assumed that there weren't any other options. I see people do this in my recovery groups online all the time. They assume that one 'No' means nothing is available. While sometimes options are limited, you have to be flexible to find what you need. And you have to be patient because doing the research is sometimes frustrating. Depression does not make people flexible and patient. I know that because that is truly what I experience. I still have to do a lot of self-talk to remind myself of this when I'm faced with the discomfort of problem-solving.
I have an income. Sometimes it isn't enough to cover what I need. And during the worst of my depression, I tried to learn a tool to add to my business. I couldn't focus. I couldn't problem-solve. And I couldn't learn the tool. So, I got the tool. Then I got frustrated when I couldn't use it. And I threw the idea away. It probably was a good call, because I can't learn when I'm seriously depressed. I have NO focus. And NO confidence. I also believe I'm going to fail, which inevitably leads to failure. I have a job. But I could use additional income. So, I wanted to re-try my other plan. I tried to sign up the other day. And obstacles like old passwords were thrown in my way. Today, I decided to see if I could find a way in to discuss this with the company that sells the software. And I found the way in. I modified my approach from 'I give up' and 'I hate this tool' to....'I wonder how I can solve this problem'. Again, I found the path forward. A very helpful sales representative gave me some ideas. And some options for testing out the possibility for no cost. I even have a phone number to get the whole thing started.
Could I have done all this when depressed? Seriously? No. I was too busy coping with my sense of hopelessness and the desire to kill myself. Will all of this work? Possibly not. The clinic may not be what I need. The tool may just be too hard for me. But there is the possibility that it will. If it does work, I will have moved forward to solve problems. Or I will be led to a new solution. But I have a path to follow. And the willingness to stick it out until I'm sure it isn't the right path. This is what recovery has brought me. My ability to function is seriously impacted by depression. I have said this many times. Depression makes it difficult for me to find the way forward. I know that it does the same to you. Because I hear it over and over in my groups. If you need help finding your way forward, put it out there. Then listen to what is presented to you. Sometimes the next step is the one that will lead to a solution. And if you don't listen, you won't know. All my love.......
I have an income. Sometimes it isn't enough to cover what I need. And during the worst of my depression, I tried to learn a tool to add to my business. I couldn't focus. I couldn't problem-solve. And I couldn't learn the tool. So, I got the tool. Then I got frustrated when I couldn't use it. And I threw the idea away. It probably was a good call, because I can't learn when I'm seriously depressed. I have NO focus. And NO confidence. I also believe I'm going to fail, which inevitably leads to failure. I have a job. But I could use additional income. So, I wanted to re-try my other plan. I tried to sign up the other day. And obstacles like old passwords were thrown in my way. Today, I decided to see if I could find a way in to discuss this with the company that sells the software. And I found the way in. I modified my approach from 'I give up' and 'I hate this tool' to....'I wonder how I can solve this problem'. Again, I found the path forward. A very helpful sales representative gave me some ideas. And some options for testing out the possibility for no cost. I even have a phone number to get the whole thing started.
Could I have done all this when depressed? Seriously? No. I was too busy coping with my sense of hopelessness and the desire to kill myself. Will all of this work? Possibly not. The clinic may not be what I need. The tool may just be too hard for me. But there is the possibility that it will. If it does work, I will have moved forward to solve problems. Or I will be led to a new solution. But I have a path to follow. And the willingness to stick it out until I'm sure it isn't the right path. This is what recovery has brought me. My ability to function is seriously impacted by depression. I have said this many times. Depression makes it difficult for me to find the way forward. I know that it does the same to you. Because I hear it over and over in my groups. If you need help finding your way forward, put it out there. Then listen to what is presented to you. Sometimes the next step is the one that will lead to a solution. And if you don't listen, you won't know. All my love.......
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