That is a lie. A lie I believed for many years. I told myself I will feel better IF I have money. I will feel better IF I'm appreciated. I will feel better IF I have a man in my life. I will feel better IF. I really think I had a pretty long list of If's. No wonder I was miserable. Here is why I think those beliefs were a lie. I never felt better even when things were 'better' in my life. Even if I had a man. Even if I had a job that paid adequately. And by the way, does everybody have to like me in order for me to feel appreciated? At my age, it's good to know that there isn't anyone holding me back but me. If I want to recover, I am more likely to recover. And I found that to be true in the time that I moved back to Tennessee. At the same time that I reached my mid-50's. Do you have to be older to 'get it'? No. You can make choices that lead to your recovery. You can learn new patterns of thinking and behaving. When? When you choose to.
For me, it required making a move to a place where I had a support system. My home in Tennessee. I started out with my daughter and her friend as a support. Then I had to find a job. And in looking for a job, I had to let go of the need to be doing something worthy of my education and talent. Frankly, I needed something that was simple. At my age, competing for something that pays what I think I'm worth would be too stressful. So, I took a job in an area that my personality suits me for. It doesn't pay a lot. I work with the public, so I can enjoy the contact with people. I'm out everyday, which keeps me from dwelling on my problems. And I make money. Not much, but I have learned a lot about what I actually 'need' in that area also. I don't need lots of things. I need the basics. I need housing, which I was able to get about a month after getting my job. I need food. I need functional furnishings. I need a way to get to work. But it doesn't have to be with a car. I can walk. And given some of my health issues, believe me...I'm thrilled I can do so. As I need things, I can choose to keep it simple. And I do.
Finally, I need medicine and access to doctors. I have depression. I need the medication to maintain my recovery. Trust me, I have tested this out. I know that I can only go so long before something hits and I find out that I have trouble coping without medication. I also have physical problems, some of which contribute to my mood disorder. For example, being hypothyroid makes my depression considerably worse when it isn't treated. I also have diabetes and blood pressure issues. Without medication, I might not live all that long. So, this is the area of greatest worry. And sometimes I do struggle to make my money stretch enough to provide for this. But, thus far, with some very worrisome times...I have been able to solve the problem. One day at a time.....
But here is the final thing I needed to do: I needed to decide to change myself. I needed to let go of expectations and live in the moment. I needed to look for the joy in my life. And amazingly, I have found it. I have my share of relapse moments. I still struggle with some aspects of my job...dealing with co-workers, being defensive, worrying about the money, etc.. But I have found out that I can work through these moments. I can live life on life's terms. Depression IS biochemical for many people. I believe that is true for me. So, for me, it has been wonderful to realize that simply taking care of my need for medication helps so much. I couldn't do recovery without it. I sincerely believe that. But the other part is all me. It involves making a decision to change my patterns. My move was a jump-start to that. I didn't want to get to Tennessee and continue to feel so miserable. I can't guarantee to you that I can maintain this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of my life. But I can tell you that I feel so much more capable of fighting the depression. Where does my certainty come from? From the simple recognition that I am capable of doing the work. That is all it is about. I hope that you allow yourself the freedom to make that decision...and follow through. You might find that you are more capable of changing than you realize. I'm sending you all my love today. Please just do it. And rely on your support system for ideas on how it can be accomplished. Let's talk!
For me, it required making a move to a place where I had a support system. My home in Tennessee. I started out with my daughter and her friend as a support. Then I had to find a job. And in looking for a job, I had to let go of the need to be doing something worthy of my education and talent. Frankly, I needed something that was simple. At my age, competing for something that pays what I think I'm worth would be too stressful. So, I took a job in an area that my personality suits me for. It doesn't pay a lot. I work with the public, so I can enjoy the contact with people. I'm out everyday, which keeps me from dwelling on my problems. And I make money. Not much, but I have learned a lot about what I actually 'need' in that area also. I don't need lots of things. I need the basics. I need housing, which I was able to get about a month after getting my job. I need food. I need functional furnishings. I need a way to get to work. But it doesn't have to be with a car. I can walk. And given some of my health issues, believe me...I'm thrilled I can do so. As I need things, I can choose to keep it simple. And I do.
Finally, I need medicine and access to doctors. I have depression. I need the medication to maintain my recovery. Trust me, I have tested this out. I know that I can only go so long before something hits and I find out that I have trouble coping without medication. I also have physical problems, some of which contribute to my mood disorder. For example, being hypothyroid makes my depression considerably worse when it isn't treated. I also have diabetes and blood pressure issues. Without medication, I might not live all that long. So, this is the area of greatest worry. And sometimes I do struggle to make my money stretch enough to provide for this. But, thus far, with some very worrisome times...I have been able to solve the problem. One day at a time.....
But here is the final thing I needed to do: I needed to decide to change myself. I needed to let go of expectations and live in the moment. I needed to look for the joy in my life. And amazingly, I have found it. I have my share of relapse moments. I still struggle with some aspects of my job...dealing with co-workers, being defensive, worrying about the money, etc.. But I have found out that I can work through these moments. I can live life on life's terms. Depression IS biochemical for many people. I believe that is true for me. So, for me, it has been wonderful to realize that simply taking care of my need for medication helps so much. I couldn't do recovery without it. I sincerely believe that. But the other part is all me. It involves making a decision to change my patterns. My move was a jump-start to that. I didn't want to get to Tennessee and continue to feel so miserable. I can't guarantee to you that I can maintain this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of my life. But I can tell you that I feel so much more capable of fighting the depression. Where does my certainty come from? From the simple recognition that I am capable of doing the work. That is all it is about. I hope that you allow yourself the freedom to make that decision...and follow through. You might find that you are more capable of changing than you realize. I'm sending you all my love today. Please just do it. And rely on your support system for ideas on how it can be accomplished. Let's talk!
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