Today I dressed up for Halloween. I went to work that way. And I enjoyed myself. I posted a picture and a good Facebook friend told me I was "brave". He seemed almost serious about that, even though you can't be sure what someone means when you are talking through computers. But I was surprised. I don't consider the ability to have fun "brave". I understand that some people are shy or want to look adult, so what I did might seem brave. Or foolish. But I had fun and I don't see that as brave. In my opinion, living with serious mental illness involves bravery. Looking for recovery in the midst of wanting to end your life involves courage. But being able to have fun? That is simply a sign that you are enjoying life.
When my daughter was young, I was truly struggling. I had a highly imaginative child. One who was fun to play with. I did my best. I'm pretty good at pretending sometimes, so I could look like I was relaxed and having fun. In truth, much of the time I was anxious and depressed. I loved my daughter, but 'playing' was uncomfortable. Interestingly enough, I felt old and weighed down. I was a fairly young woman at that time. But much of the time I was so overwhelmed by life, I didn't always relax and enjoy my beautiful child. I will always regret that depression stole that joy from me.
This pattern continued through much of the time I spent in Orlando. While I had periods that I did well, I found myself again struggling. And as I got increasingly depressed due to life changes, it became more and more difficult to relax and have fun. I was self-conscious. I felt guilty enjoying myself. And by the time I was hospitalized, I no longer had the energy for fun. I would sit in bed and worry.
Once I got to Tennessee and my family, started to work, and got on medication, it started to change. My support system values fun. My imaginative and fun daughter is still fun to play with. Even though she is an adult. I'm learning quickly. And the former case manager who would tell her clients to play is now able to do so herself. Now, I have had a sustained period of mental health. My anxiety is mostly under control, as is my depression. For me, maintaining my medication (I admit I didn't always do that) and taking care of myself have worked. Today, I went to work and just had fun. I was Ursula from Little Mermaid. I had a silly wig, tentacles, and the makeup. I felt wonderful.
What about you? Do you find it difficult to enjoy yourself? How do you have fun? Believe me, fun is therapeutic. You don't have to do what I enjoy. Just find what makes you happy. And as you take care of yourself and start to feel better...enjoy!!
When my daughter was young, I was truly struggling. I had a highly imaginative child. One who was fun to play with. I did my best. I'm pretty good at pretending sometimes, so I could look like I was relaxed and having fun. In truth, much of the time I was anxious and depressed. I loved my daughter, but 'playing' was uncomfortable. Interestingly enough, I felt old and weighed down. I was a fairly young woman at that time. But much of the time I was so overwhelmed by life, I didn't always relax and enjoy my beautiful child. I will always regret that depression stole that joy from me.
This pattern continued through much of the time I spent in Orlando. While I had periods that I did well, I found myself again struggling. And as I got increasingly depressed due to life changes, it became more and more difficult to relax and have fun. I was self-conscious. I felt guilty enjoying myself. And by the time I was hospitalized, I no longer had the energy for fun. I would sit in bed and worry.
Once I got to Tennessee and my family, started to work, and got on medication, it started to change. My support system values fun. My imaginative and fun daughter is still fun to play with. Even though she is an adult. I'm learning quickly. And the former case manager who would tell her clients to play is now able to do so herself. Now, I have had a sustained period of mental health. My anxiety is mostly under control, as is my depression. For me, maintaining my medication (I admit I didn't always do that) and taking care of myself have worked. Today, I went to work and just had fun. I was Ursula from Little Mermaid. I had a silly wig, tentacles, and the makeup. I felt wonderful.
What about you? Do you find it difficult to enjoy yourself? How do you have fun? Believe me, fun is therapeutic. You don't have to do what I enjoy. Just find what makes you happy. And as you take care of yourself and start to feel better...enjoy!!
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