When I have times of peace, I'm struck by the pleasure I find in small things. Just changing my sheets is a joyful experience. There is a reason for that. Growing up with Maxine and her mental illness was uncomfortable. The house was filthy. And filled with cigarette smoke. Being a child, I'm sure I contributed to the mess. But I was very aware that I wouldn't get any help cleaning from my mentally ill Mom. Periodically, I would try to clean my own space. And make it more organized and comfortable. But overall, things were dirty and overwhelming. And I certainly didn't do a whole lot to change that.
In my adult life, I have tried to change that pattern for myself. With varying degrees of success considering my level of being overwhelmed and depressed. Sometimes I went back in my head to the times that managing the house was just too much. I was stuck in the overwhelmed that I felt with Maxine. You could tell those times just by walking in my front door. It was a mess. I feel some guilt about that now. However my guilt is tempered by knowing that others with mental illness struggle with that. I know many people living with mental illness who struggle with it. Most of my clients lived in the same dirt and disorganization that I lived with while growing up with Maxine.
When I was living that last year in Orlando, I lived in many places. Some were neater than others. One person would be obsessive about cleanliness. Others lived in dirt. And I battled that same feeling of overwhelmed at either end of the spectrum. When the person was obsessed with cleanliness, I somehow never measured up. One dish that I didn't clean right away would result in lectures. And anger. I had one roommate who thought I left watermarks when I cleaned. It was intimidating. I had another who would lecture me, but the house itself was dirty. It reminded me of growing up with Maxine.
Now, I am in charge of my own environment. I have my own place. I use the same tools to keep my environment clean and comfortable that I've described before. I take on at least one task a day. Of course, I usually end up doing more. The dishes, cleaning the stove...on and on. Today I changed the sheets on my bed. Tonight when I sleep, it will be fresh and comforting. I paused a moment while doing this small task. And I felt gratitude that I didn't feel overwhelmed and that I have the energy to take care of myself in that way. It really was a wonderful feeling. This weekend I'm planning to do a more thorough cleaning. I'm looking forward to it.
How can you relate to this discussion? Do you struggle in this area? Tell me your story. We can learn from each other,
In my adult life, I have tried to change that pattern for myself. With varying degrees of success considering my level of being overwhelmed and depressed. Sometimes I went back in my head to the times that managing the house was just too much. I was stuck in the overwhelmed that I felt with Maxine. You could tell those times just by walking in my front door. It was a mess. I feel some guilt about that now. However my guilt is tempered by knowing that others with mental illness struggle with that. I know many people living with mental illness who struggle with it. Most of my clients lived in the same dirt and disorganization that I lived with while growing up with Maxine.
When I was living that last year in Orlando, I lived in many places. Some were neater than others. One person would be obsessive about cleanliness. Others lived in dirt. And I battled that same feeling of overwhelmed at either end of the spectrum. When the person was obsessed with cleanliness, I somehow never measured up. One dish that I didn't clean right away would result in lectures. And anger. I had one roommate who thought I left watermarks when I cleaned. It was intimidating. I had another who would lecture me, but the house itself was dirty. It reminded me of growing up with Maxine.
Now, I am in charge of my own environment. I have my own place. I use the same tools to keep my environment clean and comfortable that I've described before. I take on at least one task a day. Of course, I usually end up doing more. The dishes, cleaning the stove...on and on. Today I changed the sheets on my bed. Tonight when I sleep, it will be fresh and comforting. I paused a moment while doing this small task. And I felt gratitude that I didn't feel overwhelmed and that I have the energy to take care of myself in that way. It really was a wonderful feeling. This weekend I'm planning to do a more thorough cleaning. I'm looking forward to it.
How can you relate to this discussion? Do you struggle in this area? Tell me your story. We can learn from each other,
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