During the time that I lived in Orlando, as I watched my business fail, I felt a lot of shame. Was it about the fact that I am inept? Was it because I don't deserve to succeed? Was it about me....period? At the time, I thought it was. And I used these thoughts to beat myself up. When combined with a lack of medication, financial stresses, and fear...all this was debilitating. And led me to the conviction that it would be better if I was dead. Thankfully, it also led to me getting help. And once I was hospitalized, it led me to Tennessee. And my beautiful family. So, I learned something from the experience. I learned that depression is a disease about coping.
The thing that I was missing is that the depression was keeping me stuck. It kept me from making decisions to change things. It kept me from recognizing that my worth isn't based on success or whether I have a business. It kept me from recognizing my creativity and ability to problem solve. Instead of exploring options, I continued to do the same old things over and over in order to prove that I was worthy. And of course, that failed. I truly hit bottom before I moved. It had definitely reached crisis stage.
What has changed? I recognize that times sometimes get tough. I have learned to take the blame out of it. I try to eliminate my tendency to ruminate about how I am not capable. I rely on a support system. I use creativity to problem solve. I have stopped making a job evidence of my worth. And I take my medication. Which helps me do all of the above. And because of that, I am not thinking about killing myself. Except at times, the thought hits me before my coping skills kick in. The biggest difference is that I really do have the ability to fight those fleeting thoughts. Which means they are getting more and more fleeting. And I am no longer a victim of life. In spite of my struggles.
Can you relate to this discussion? Do you need help to cope? If so, please reach out. Asking for help may save your life.
The thing that I was missing is that the depression was keeping me stuck. It kept me from making decisions to change things. It kept me from recognizing that my worth isn't based on success or whether I have a business. It kept me from recognizing my creativity and ability to problem solve. Instead of exploring options, I continued to do the same old things over and over in order to prove that I was worthy. And of course, that failed. I truly hit bottom before I moved. It had definitely reached crisis stage.
What has changed? I recognize that times sometimes get tough. I have learned to take the blame out of it. I try to eliminate my tendency to ruminate about how I am not capable. I rely on a support system. I use creativity to problem solve. I have stopped making a job evidence of my worth. And I take my medication. Which helps me do all of the above. And because of that, I am not thinking about killing myself. Except at times, the thought hits me before my coping skills kick in. The biggest difference is that I really do have the ability to fight those fleeting thoughts. Which means they are getting more and more fleeting. And I am no longer a victim of life. In spite of my struggles.
Can you relate to this discussion? Do you need help to cope? If so, please reach out. Asking for help may save your life.
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