One of the
most potent triggers of depression for me has been difficult
relationships. When I am struggling with
a problem with an acquaintance, friend, or family member, I am prone to taking
on anger and depression. Being stuck in
anger is a trigger for me. I have a
difficult time separating myself from the problem. I think about it obsessively and make it
about my failure. This appears to be
somewhat of a biochemical issue, because I do better with it when I am taking
my medication. I have learned some
skills in dealing with such situations due to my long history of therapy. I would like to share some of that with
you. And I would also like to remind
myself because I know I do better when I pay attention to what I have learned.
First of
all, problems happen between human beings.
Sometimes we have different points of view. It took awhile for me to learn that was
something that I should expect. I am
right from my point of view. Someone
else may see it totally differently.
That is OK. It is how we deal
with that situation that makes all the difference. One of the things that we do as humans is to
try to convince the other side of the rightness of our position. Sometimes that works. And sometimes it doesn’t. Being able to accept the fact that someone
sees something differently is a mark of maturity. I have found out that many people struggle
with that. Including me. And being human, we argue and sometimes even
detach from other people due to that fact.
Something I
learned from Landmark is to not make things in life so important that it
becomes a struggle. It is a form of
acceptance. I do well with that
sometimes. And sometimes I don’t do well
with it. So, in recent times I have
found it easier to say to people: “We
will have to agree to disagree.” But my
problem comes in when the person makes the argument personal and calls me a
name. Or seems to be calling me a
name. I tend to cut people off for
that. And if I don’t, I find that other
people will cut me off for not agreeing with them. So, here is what I am learning in dealing
with this situation. I am learning that
I don’t have to agree with someone else.
I can have my opinion. I can have
my own belief. If I can, I will let them
know that agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean that I respect them any less. The reality is that there are few absolute
truths. We all have holes in our
arguments and our belief systems. I
don’t have to accept disrespect shown through name-calling. Or through suggesting insulting things about
me personally. If the person shuts down
the relationship because they disagree with me…so be it. That isn’t about me. It’s about them. And there is no need to convince them of that
fact. It is more important to me that I
realize that is the case and let it go.
What can I
do? I can work on making myself open to
other points of view. I can let people
know I understand their point of view even if I don’t agree. I can recognize
when I am operating in an angry way when I speak to people. And I can recognize when other people are
simply taking out their anger on me. I
can show acceptance of people where they are.
I can be firm, yet gentle, in the way that I respond. And I can recognize that sometimes detachment
is the healthiest response. In summary,
I can take blame out of the equation and come to some acceptance of what
is. There is really no need to react
with anger or depression. So, what can
you relate to in what I am saying? I
would love to hear from you.
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