Sunday, September 29, 2013

Moving towards acceptance....


One of the most potent triggers of depression for me has been difficult relationships.  When I am struggling with a problem with an acquaintance, friend, or family member, I am prone to taking on anger and depression.  Being stuck in anger is a trigger for me.  I have a difficult time separating myself from the problem.  I think about it obsessively and make it about my failure.  This appears to be somewhat of a biochemical issue, because I do better with it when I am taking my medication.  I have learned some skills in dealing with such situations due to my long history of therapy.  I would like to share some of that with you.  And I would also like to remind myself because I know I do better when I pay attention to what I have learned.

First of all, problems happen between human beings.  Sometimes we have different points of view.  It took awhile for me to learn that was something that I should expect.  I am right from my point of view.  Someone else may see it totally differently.  That is OK.  It is how we deal with that situation that makes all the difference.  One of the things that we do as humans is to try to convince the other side of the rightness of our position.  Sometimes that works.  And sometimes it doesn’t.  Being able to accept the fact that someone sees something differently is a mark of maturity.  I have found out that many people struggle with that.  Including me.  And being human, we argue and sometimes even detach from other people due to that fact.

Something I learned from Landmark is to not make things in life so important that it becomes a struggle.  It is a form of acceptance.  I do well with that sometimes.  And sometimes I don’t do well with it.  So, in recent times I have found it easier to say to people:  “We will have to agree to disagree.”   But my problem comes in when the person makes the argument personal and calls me a name.  Or seems to be calling me a name.  I tend to cut people off for that.  And if I don’t, I find that other people will cut me off for not agreeing with them.  So, here is what I am learning in dealing with this situation.  I am learning that I don’t have to agree with someone else.  I can have my opinion.  I can have my own belief.  If I can, I will let them know that agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean that I respect them any less.  The reality is that there are few absolute truths.  We all have holes in our arguments and our belief systems.  I don’t have to accept disrespect shown through name-calling.  Or through suggesting insulting things about me personally.  If the person shuts down the relationship because they disagree with me…so be it.  That isn’t about me.  It’s about them.  And there is no need to convince them of that fact.  It is more important to me that I realize that is the case and let it go.  

What can I do?  I can work on making myself open to other points of view.  I can let people know I understand their point of view even if I don’t agree. I can recognize when I am operating in an angry way when I speak to people.  And I can recognize when other people are simply taking out their anger on me.  I can show acceptance of people where they are.  I can be firm, yet gentle, in the way that I respond.  And I can recognize that sometimes detachment is the healthiest response.  In summary, I can take blame out of the equation and come to some acceptance of what is.  There is really no need to react with anger or depression.  So, what can you relate to in what I am saying?  I would love to hear from you.  

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