Depression can lead to the death of dreams...

I have become very aware in recent days of the relationship between depression and the ability to live in the mindset that all is possible.  Depression is a dark place to be.  It doesn’t live in possibility.  I remember reading that accompanying the depression felt by Ernest Hemingway was this conviction that his skills as a writer were not as sharp as they used to be.   He apparently felt that his time was over.  And so came the depression.  I have been able to relate to that at times.  I watch other people and listen to their dreams.  Many of them are young, looking at their future and seeing nothing but bright.  And it feels to me like the times that I was young and looking into the windows of houses wondering how it would feel to be growing up in a house without a mentally ill Mom and all the pain she brought.  Right now, I am not as depressed as I can be.  I am living life with my medication.  And it truly helps.  But I still have to frequently remind myself that all is not lost.  Especially when I start thinking about certain topics.  Getting older is one of those topics.  

I am in a new place.  One that is more positive for me.  I am with a much-loved daughter.  I am working.  I have medication.  Overall, life is good.  But I still find myself struggling with anxiety about a bunch of ‘what if’s’.  What if I lose my job?  What if I can’t get medication?  Am I going to get so sick that I will be disabled?  Am I useless?  Will I ever pull together a social life?  Is life over?  Are people really reading my blog or am I deluding myself? Am I really a bad writer and no one is telling me?  Will I get so annoying that I will be alone forever? Will I ever feel useful and accomplished again?  AM I REALLY A GOOD PERSON?  So, you see my mindset as I become depressed.  Firmly in the camp that Hemingway must have been.  Feeling very hopeless and depressed. (And that seriously led to his death!) Or at least I would be if I weren’t taking medication.  Sometimes I have episodes of feeling bad.  But they are certainly more fleeting right now.  I have bad moments.  Bad days maybe.  But certainly there is not a never-ending bad day with no change in sight.  There isn’t as much rain.  And I can find the rainbow.   

So that leads me to possibility.  Is it possible that I will age with dignity?  Is it possible that I am loved?  Can I find peace as I age? Is it possible that I can live my remaining life with passion and express who I am?  It is. And I am thankful that I recognize that.  I will have to solve problems.  Everyone has to do that.  We all age and have fears.  It is likely that I will have physical struggles.  It is also probable that I will struggle in other areas.  But I can deal with the struggles today and that makes all the difference.

So, I do have dreams. Even in this stage of my life.  And the only way that I will be robbed of my dreams is if I live in depression.  If I do, I won’t recognize my dreams.  All I will see is gray.  Is that true for you?