Friday, May 17, 2013

Recognizing progress and miracles...



As a depressed person, sometimes I have difficulty recognizing when things are going well.  After my move to Tennessee, I was lucky enough to solve a major problem right away. I found a job.  I have started a class to move forward and plan on where my advocacy regarding mental illness will take me.  I am working with a wonderful coach and teacher, Leigh LeCreux, to continue my journey.  So, things are going very well.  But being who I am, I get lost in the problems.  Yesterday, I had a small melt-down.  The fact that I didn’t stay there says a lot.  But so does the fact that I didn’t see the progress for a moment.  It really is all good.  I don’t always see that.  But it is.  I am safe.  I am loved.  And I AM moving forward.  When I start seeing things in terms of “it isn’t enough”, I am in dangerous territory.

Thankfully, my daughter was there to remind me.  She was direct.  She nurtured me.  But she also reminded me.  As I walk through fears, I forget that I’ve actually walked through some of those fears and did what was needed.  And if I can do that based on the issues I have already dealt with, I can continue doing it.  For me, that was a useful realization.  Do you have trouble recognizing progress sometimes?  I think that when we allow ourselves to get caught up in the problems, we have trouble recognizing victory.  And we have established that depression alters the way we see our lives. 

So, what do we do about it?  Well, I reached out.  My anxiety about the problems was threatening to keep me up all night.  On a night in which I had to look forward to a long work day the next day.  So, I talked with my daughter.  The reminder was useful.  After a short discussion in which I had to reassure my daughter that it wasn’t about what she is doing for me, she was able to help me reframe my thought patterns.  That is an important skill.  I do better at that when I am speaking out loud.  Apparently, J. is able to do that for herself. I struggle with it.  At least until I can discuss it with someone who understands the dynamics of depression.

The ‘understands depression’ part of that is important.  It is also important that you choose someone who isn’t going to shame you, even inadvertently, about not being grateful enough.  Shame isn’t all that helpful for someone struggling with depression.  Gratitude and depression are two different things.  I am grateful for what comes my way.  But I also start to believe that I am not worthy when things don’t get instantly solved. I tend to think that it is the fault of my problem-solving skills.  So, there is a lot of self-blame in my thinking. I also benefit from her reminders about perspective.  I always feel like my decisions are somehow wrong.  I forget that solving problems is rarely easy, and choices are not right or wrong.  They are just choices.  And there are consequences to whatever choice you make.  You just have to choose.  One of my favorite exercises from Landmark involves the choice between vanilla or chocolate ice cream.  Is it wrong if I choose vanilla?  No, of course not.  It’s just a choice.  One I make based on what I want to accomplish.  Or to put it another way…a choice based on the flavor I prefer.  One of the things that Landmark has done for me is to take the significance away from decisions.  I recognize a lot more readily that choice is not so significant that I can’t make choices.  All my options have ups and downs.  I just have to make the choice.  Not weigh myself down with the significance.

So, with a lot of gratitude this morning, I recognize that last night was a small relapse.  One which I was able to talk through and move past.  I love that. I don’t have to continue to move into dangerous territory today. I can continue moving forward.  Hope you can do that today.  If not, maybe I can be your voice of reason.  Don’t be afraid to reach out.  If I’m not at work, I would love to help.

No comments: