A Scary Ride....

As part of completing an assignment for a class that will help me determine the future of my advocacy for educating and supporting regarding mental illness, I asked for some feedback.  Leigh LeCreux, a coach and published author, is teaching the class.   It promises to be challenging and nurturing at the same time.  The first assignment was to ask ten people how they view me. All the feedback was wonderful.  But, a particular friend on Facebook was generous enough to help me with the assignment and answer the question.  I recognized something in this answer.  This is a warm and loving man, so I admit I was curious to find out how he sees me.  In spite of the fact that stuff like this almost makes me cringe…I asked.  And I got considerably more than I expected.  Days later, I am still processing what was said. 

This friend reminded me of my upbringing by recognizing that growing up with Maxine as my Mom was a “harsh” way to grow up. It was. Very much so.  Much as I see the growth that came out of it.  As a little girl, I always felt insecure and frightened.  Watching your primary caretaker deteriorate in the way that she did was not pleasant. Then he said: “It’s a scary ride you’ve been on and it’s about time when it will fully hit you that you are on a good path”.  I‘ve been thinking about that feedback since I got it.  It was a little bit mind-blowing.  I guess we are all a little surprised when someone sees into us so clearly.  But this friend and I have only met once or twice.  And interact primarily through Facebook and my blog.  So, it was a little surprising to be ‘seen’ in that way.  It wasn’t just surprising.  It was amazing.

I’ve been working very seriously on my depression over the last few years.  I recognized the impact of the way that I’ve lived my life on my depression and worked on solving some of that.  I’ve had many periods in which I relapsed, some of them majorly frightening.  But I keep on going.  I get help when it is needed.  I keep on fighting.  In the process, I am learning about myself as a human being.  And I’m really kind of proud of myself because of what I’ve seen.   

What have I learned?  I‘ve learned quite a bit.  I don’t always do things that are good or productive in the long run.  Sometimes I’m not proud of what I’ve done.  But I’m basically a good person.  Loving and caring.  I’ll be there for my friends and family.  I’ll also be there for people who aren’t yet friends.  I care because of my spiritual beliefs about what actually is my responsibility in terms of giving back. I’m also VERY strong.  Much stronger than I recognize when I’m in pain because of the depression. 

 

So, thank you Ozzie for the reminder.  I appreciate you more than you know.  And what you said to me was wonderful.  I’m grateful.  You gave me a little bit of a glimpse into my own soul. You also gave me a glimpse into your soul.  And I was touched by the experience.