Loving Maxine. Understanding myself....

At a certain point in my life, I became aware that Maxine was a gift.  With all the difficulty of coping with the symptoms of her mental illness, she left me with much knowledge.  Not the least of which is the recognition that I have to deal with the worst in myself as much as I need to recognize the good stuff.  Yes, her disease caused pain for my family.  Yes, I think we have all been impacted…reaching down into my daughter’s life.  But the impact has been positive in some ways.  I have talked about this before.  I think that understanding oneself and seeing family patterns has a lot to do with moving forward.  

When we talk about the biochemical aspect of mental illness, we are talking about a problem that may be of a more long-standing nature.  Once, when talking to someone in an intake to get services, I shared the fact that my Mom didn’t bathe when she got sick.  The intake person asked me: “Do you seem to have that problem sometimes?”  I had never thought about it in that way, but when I am depressed, I have to fight with myself to get into a shower.  That question gave me some perspective.  Made it less about a personal failing and more about the impact of being depressed.  And it led to recognition that my Mom struggled.  Really struggled.  With something that was powerful and overwhelming.  It also made me aware that the people that I worked with might have some family history that I didn’t always know.  What symptoms did they share with another person in the family?  What might be environmental, and what might be biochemical/genetic?  

As a case manager, I was focused on problem-solving.  I wanted to deal with the problems that a chronically and severely mentally ill person faced on a daily basis.  Health, medicine, finances, housing…all the things that contribute to the crisis in mental health care today.  On a national level.  When we talk about treatment, we are talking about a multi-faceted problem.  We struggle with the cost of treating adequately.  And we also struggle with the cost of not treating adequately. But in dealing with clients, I didn’t always look at the total impact.  I didn’t always know about the parent with some of the same problems.  Or the aunt or uncle that was ‘strange’.   What in the family history is kind of like the current problem? In Landmark, we talked about how if you are living in the past; you are not living in today.  That is totally true.  But like with my little issue with showers, sometimes looking at the past gives us a picture into the ‘why’ of today.  This ends up providing us with a more complete picture of the problem.

My issue with showers isn’t as severe as what Mom dealt with. In normal times, I shower more than regularly.  When depressed, it is a little different.  And while many depressed people have the symptom, knowing about my Mom gives my issue a little more context.  And reminds me that I am part of this longer-term problem.  I am truly my mother’s daughter.  But because I have more knowledge today than she did, I am truly blessed.  I love you, Mom.  I get it now.