Anxiety...

Living in my body means that I am caught in a cycle of anxiety. This is a regular part of my life. I obsess. I worry. When not medicated, I have trouble focusing on solutions. I blame myself when I come up with a solution and it doesn't work. I obsess again. I am anxious. I can't focus. In spite of this, I usually keep plugging away. I keep moving forward. But the key to this is that I obsess. And I panic. And for at least a little while, I have trouble moving forward because I am focused on the problem. I am also focused on self-blame. What did I do wrong? Why did I choose the wrong solution? Why can't I seem to do anything right? What is my problem?

This is an interesting phenomenon. I know that I do it. Like I said, especially when I don't have medication, the fear and anxiety rule me. Many times, it leads to thoughts that I don't have a right to live. Because I am too stupid. Or incapable. Or whatever I am calling myself at that moment. But because of my instinct for survival, many times my obsessing is more about potential solutions. I am always thinking. Always looking for options. And I follow-up. I do what I have to do. So, eventually, it calms down. I come back to earth. I am less focused on blame and more focused on solutions. This is important because it leads to my being able to quiet the voice of anxiety. It is another tool for recovery.

I do need to hear about my problem-solving skills. I do need to hear that I am smart. I also need to hear that I am OK when I make mistakes. And I need to know that people don't hate me because I make mistakes. Or that I am not my mistake. I need to hear that I am worthwhile and still loveable. I don't need to be lectured at. I really just need the love and the acceptance I get from friends. I need the encouragement. I need the patience when I seem unable to move from hopelessness into hope.

When friends see and hear my anxiety, I think that they sometimes forget I am depressed. They hear the hopelessness and the self-blame. And I sometimes get lectured at about faith. About not letting my fear rule me. About using the problem solving skills they know I have. I certainly understand why this occurs. Most of the time, I don't share my entire inner dialogue. I just share my self-doubt. I share my anxiety. And my friends, especially when they know and love me, have issues with hearing this. I have explained to people that I go through this period of self-blame and hopelessness. They know I do it. And while they understand I am depressed, they don't understand what that means. In real terms. So, they are understandably concerned when they hear my hopelessness.

I get it. When I get it into my head that I need to share what I am thinking about in terms of solving the problem, my friends are more likely to 'get it'. And THEN I get what I need in terms of support. Communication seems to be the problem. But to accomplish this, I need to be aware of this epic battle going on in my head regarding hope and solutions. And I need to get through the anxiety quicker. Which means I need the support now. Not when I am firmly back on solid ground. Can you relate?