Sometimes, I get caught in these periods in which I am
unable to control the negative feelings.
As a matter of fact, they generally hit when I am facing something that
triggers shame. And they spiral
downwards from there. It is like being
in a sink and swirling round and round as the water goes down the drain. And that is exactly what I do. Swirl closer and closer towards drowning in
my shame. Interrupting a ‘shame spiral’
is incredibly difficult. When I am
there, my thoughts AUTOMATICALLY go in the direction of self-destruction. It is usually triggered by some kind of
difficulty. I remember one spiral when I
worked in a daycare. I don’t even know
what triggered it. I somehow got the
impression I had done something wrong.
And I was in the spiral. Battling
this hopeless feeling that I was going to be in trouble. And if you had asked me at the time, I don’t
know if I could have told you what had triggered it. It was just there. This horrible feeling that all eyes were upon
me seeing how bad I really am. I was
convinced that I was going to be fired that very day. And NOBODY said anything to me. At least that I remember. But I sure do remember that spiral. It was one of the worst that I have ever
experienced.
Most of the time, I can identify the trigger. Most of the time. It can be financial issues. The feeling that I have offended
someone. An expression of anger, from me
or from someone else towards me. Whether it is appropriate or not. A memory of a time when I have done something
wrong. Looking at my history in any
meaningful way. Or it truly can be
nothing. Just something I ‘thought’ I
have seen. Something I have ‘thought’ I
have done. And then I go looking for
evidence. And I am unable to convince
myself that it is just in my imagination.
It spirals. Downwards. Further
and further.
If I am in a difficult time-period anyway, those are the
times that I am MOST prone to that destructive thinking. Most unable to shake the thought that ending
it would be all for the best. And most
unable to reach out. The thought makes
me spiral even more. So, I have learned
that I have to reach out anyway. But
people ARE sometimes impatient during those periods. They don’t get what this is. Why I am suddenly so needy. And since people don’t always respond to
mental illness in very productive ways,
I am not always able to get the assistance I need. Which is what? Most of the time, I don’t even know. (“Buck
up, it will all get better" doesn’t do it.)
Recently, someone presented me with a wonderful
visualization. He told me that the tough
times in life are like a detour. It won’t
take you out of the game, but it will take you into a new neighborhood before
you can get back on track. Hmmmm. I am a
visual person. That visualization has a
lot of power for me. The reason that it
is visualization is that I can actually see the detour in my mind. And because I am an extraordinarily visual
person, following the visualization can be very calming for me. It literally takes me out of the spiral. It plucks me out and puts me back on more
solid ground. I can feel the difference
physically.
Although I have physical symptoms, I don’t have breathing
difficulty. I feel a flushing,
especially in the face. And my heart
rate might speed up. I have always
imagined that these spirals are a bit like a panic attack might be. Who knows?
They might even be my version of a panic attack. I have never shared this with a medical
professional, so I don’t know. They can
be short-lived. Or they can last for
hours and hours. But the basic thing
about it is…I am in the midst of this situation in which I feel overwhelming
shame.
Can you relate to this?
Does this occur for you? If it
does, maybe it is time to consult a medical professional. I am going to. I support your efforts to make your life more
comfortable.
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