As you can tell, I spend quite a bit of time looking at
myself. And trying to determine whether
I am actually a good person or not. Part
of this is the lack of confidence thing.
I am always afraid that I am showing something to people that shows what
a rotten person I really am. Other times
I am focused on trying to convince others what a good person I am…so that they
don’t believe I am rotten. It ends up being all about image. How I look to other people. Landmark has taught me how that is part of being
human. And so recently, I have tried to reframe how I look at this. And here is what I have come up with:
I am a human being.
With a mixture of the good, the bad, and the dysfunctional. I am very loving. I am caring.
And sometimes, I am not very responsible. I make mistakes. I find it difficult to trust. I grow when I look at my problem areas. And I also grow when I am concerned about
other people. Recognizing that I am
human is very important; because that leads to recognizing that I am part of
the human race. And other people have
the same issues and problems that I do.
And it keeps me connected to other people. This is something I truly struggle with. Feeling like you are different is one way to
keep yourself separated. It is also a
way to keep yourself stuck. It has no
integrity. If I am not always
responsible, I can work on that. I can
change. But only when I recognize the
need to be responsible to other human beings.
And that involves connection. See
how that works?
My Mother was very disconnected from the human race. As were most of my clients. Mental illness does keep you
disconnected. While I do have some level
of mental illness, I am not as seriously sick as my Mom. So, I have abilities that she didn’t
have. I can connect. I can question my behavior. I can change it. But only when I choose to. I am grateful for that fact today. So, I recognize that I want to be
“good”. I don’t want to do “wrong”. And I think that is true about most people. But sometimes we do wrong anyway. Because we are human. We can change that simply by having the
integrity to look at our behavior and how it impacts other people.
I am far more forgiving of myself and other people
today. I still struggle with that
sometimes. Hence the fact that I am not
in contact with my sister. But I see the
possibility of changing things. So,
maybe even that will change. I am
recognizing that the only person who limits my possibility today is ME! Kind of wonderful, yes? I am in charge. I recognize that because I have moved
mountains in my lifetime. I came from
the awful place of being a victim of my Mom and her illness to a place in which
I recognize the gift that she was to me.
An absolute mountain. If I can
do that, what else can I accomplish? I don’t
know yet, but I have to admit that I am pretty proud of the fact that I can
write to you and discuss these things.
When I first started writing and wanting to publish this
work, I had a lot of support from friends.
I had one friend who said “I bet you never thought you would have author
after your name”. I had a hard time
owning that. I took pains to say that I
didn’t know about that, but that I would keep writing. It was really hard for me to connect the
title to my name. I am slowly starting to adjust to that
possibility. And that leads to one final
recognition. I am capable of
accomplishment and growth. I am
beautiful. And I am worthwhile. In spite of my faults. And so are you.
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