Sometimes the thing that is the hardest thing for me to do
in my recovery from “mental illness” is to forgive myself. From the times that I had to convince myself
that I wasn’t at fault for my Mom being sick…to the times that I had to forgive
myself for being depressed when I had a child and husband to care for…all the
way to the things that I have had to forgive myself for today. For every wrong decision. For every wrong move in life. For lost relationships. For my anger.
And my fear and pain. For life on
life’s terms. I have spent a lot of time
in blame. That’s how I continue to beat
myself up. And I continue to wallow in
my depression. As I have learned through
my experiences in therapy, in life, and in Landmark…this blame keeps me in the
past. And it truly keeps me stuck. So, I work on letting go of the blame. I have learned to embrace forgiveness. It happens more quickly nowadays. Thank God.
As I was sitting listening to Naveed Bhatti, who is a
wonderful Seminar Leader through Landmark Education, I had a realization. Forgiveness of myself is at least as
important as forgiving others. It is a
key task in feeling better. It helps me
to move forward in the same way that forgiving my Mom did. Before I forgave my Mom, I was angry at her.
That always made me feel guilty. And I
was unable to enjoy whatever relationship we actually did have. Finally, I was unable to enjoy the time I had
with her. Now that she is gone, I am
very aware of how much time we actually missed.
Apart from the time that she was very ill, there were times that I felt
disconnected. Even though she was
capable of interacting with me in a fairly normal way. We forget that life is not infinite. When I
did finally forgive my Mom, I was astonished at how much it helped me to feel
free emotionally. No more out of control emotional rollercoaster of guilt and
shame. No more preoccupation with
anger. And I was less likely to be
living in the past. I was more peaceful.
And I found a connection with Mom that
has truly impacted my life.
How does all of this apply to forgiving myself? It is exactly the same thing. Exactly.
Forgiveness leads to peace. But
forgiving myself is more complex. I am
extraordinarily judgmental about who I am.
And who I am not. As I have shared
with you, I judge my actions. I judge my
intelligence. I judge my looks. I even judge myself when ‘what is’ is the
result of what happens outside of me.
(For example, my struggles in starting a business, during a pretty
serious recession.) Ultimately, all this
blame leads me to a place in which I don’t accept myself because of my
struggles, my fears and my depression. I
don’t value my decisions. I don’t
recognize my heart. I compare myself to
other people. And I almost ALWAYS come out lacking. Do you recognize any of this? Do you see how it keeps us both stuck?
How much of this is related to feeling like we are different
because of our struggles with mental illness?
How do we stay in this pattern because of how disconnected we feel from
other people? Am I describing you? Have you been able to move past this? If so, HOW?
What kinds of changes have you made in thought patterns? And what kinds of changes have you made in
your behavior? I think that there are some things that we can all do to more
readily forgive ourselves. Here is what
I am working on changing:
- I change the way I talk to myself. All the negative self-talk keeps me down and depressed.
- I learn to recognize the positive I do.
- I reach out to nurturing, positive, and very patient people.
- I affirm myself.
- I deal with my mental illness instead of being controlled by it.
- I reach out to other people and become part of the human race.
- I focus outside of myself. I allow myself to be concerned with other people.
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