Have
you ever heard it said: It isn’t what you are eating; it’s what’s
eating you? I think that has been in control of my weight and my
health for years. Yes, I also think genetics has something to do with
it. Diabetes and obesity run in my family. But I also think that what I
struggle with is clearly seen in my eating habits. I have always
struggled with overeating. And this is chronic. I have been up and
down in weight. But basically, since I gave birth to my daughter, I
have been in size 14 and above clothing. I had a few times that I wore
size 12 clothing, but they were few and far between. I crave high fat
foods. And I eat emotionally. When I am emotional…mad, sad, glad,
whatever…I eat too much. And it is usually the wrong things. The
consequence to this is that I am diabetic. I wouldn’t wish diabetes on
my worst enemy. It is uncomfortable. It is depressing. And it isn’t
fun.
From the time that I dealt with Mom as a child, I used food to comfort myself. I ate instead of feeling pain. And I felt ashamed of that. Because I knew that something wasn’t quite right with it. I don’t know how to describe it other than to say that I didn’t seem to have a ‘stop’ notification on my appetite. There was a hole in my stomach. One that seemed to require constant feeding. Luckily, it didn’t impact my weight when I was a child or teenager. I wasn’t overweight. I must have had a great metabolism. As a child, I was slender. As a teen, I started to develop. And I am not meant to be small, except in stature. When I compared myself to my friends who were slender and tall, I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t tiny. But I was in relatively good shape. Looking back on it, I am jealous of the younger Judy. She had a pretty good body. At the time, I didn’t think so. When I got breasts kind of early, I was embarrassed. And my hips? I hated them. I looked like a woman. And that made me feel ashamed of myself. I wanted to look like one of my friends. She was tall and slender. And she was blonde. She could wear jeans that hugged her body. And her legs seemed to go on forever. I once bought a skirt that was black and very slinky. It fit tight. And I looked like a beached whale in it. My blonde friend could have worn it. Not me. Now, I understand that the skirt just wasn’t appropriate for my body type. Then, I saw it as proof that I was fat. Especially when my two best friends gave me funny looks when I showed them the skirt. They looked a little horrified. And I never wore it. I don’t know how long I kept it, but I know that I still had it when I went off to college. I was wearing size 8 at that time. And sometimes I was even a size 6. Talk about body image problems!
So, now we can get back to the eating. I was relatively thin until I gave birth. Then I had a horrible time losing the extra weight from my pregnancy. I have periodically lost weight since that time. Then I would gain it back. Again, I ate emotionally. If I was having financial issues, I would try to eat my way through them. Depressed about the moves and my marriage? Go get a high fat hamburger and salty French fries. Scared because parenting was a huge responsibility? Sugar made it all better. I’m sure many people recognize these patterns. They are very destructive. And you know how you hear that you should stop eating when you feel full? I NEVER felt full. So, the weight gains kept getting bigger and bigger.
When I was first in the relationship with S., I was in pretty good shape. I was exercising regularly. I even lifted weights. I wasn’t at my high school weight by a long shot, but I felt good. As I got more and more involved in the relationship with S., I started to gain weight again. I was having issues with arthritis and so I stopped with the exercise. And when I had issues with his family, food was all that comforted me. When he was sick, I really started to gain. And by the time we broke up, I was at my top weight. And I have forgotten another interesting aspect of my eating issues. When I am going through a crisis, I stop eating. I know the breakup was a crisis because I stopped eating. I would prepare something. Then I would take a few bites and I was done. Same thing happened after my divorce. Somewhere in that period, I realized what a gift this is. I started making different choices with food. I love fish. So I am eating more fish. I am trying harder to pay attention to what my body tells me. If I feel full, I pay attention. And I stop eating. I drink LOTS of water. I am paying more attention to balance. And I am losing weight as a result. I am down almost sixty pounds. Which is really quite an accomplishment. I recognize that. The weight loss has been happening over a long time period. It’s been a year since the breakup. I am working on starting my exercise program.
Can I keep this up? I’m not sure. But as I have been writing to you about my history, and sharing myself, I seem to feel more of a sense of peace. Certainly not all the time. I have meltdowns. I even have days that all I want to do is have another high fat hamburger and greasy French fries. But now, I accept that as “what is” and just go on. I may even break down and eat the junk food. But I balance it out with other healthier choices. And I don’t beat myself up about it. I just go get another cold glass of ice water. What’s eating you? Do you eat your way through pain? Does stress result in weight gain? If so, what do you do to handle it? Do you see another way to deal with it as I am writing to you? I would love to hear from you. Your stories inspire me.
From the time that I dealt with Mom as a child, I used food to comfort myself. I ate instead of feeling pain. And I felt ashamed of that. Because I knew that something wasn’t quite right with it. I don’t know how to describe it other than to say that I didn’t seem to have a ‘stop’ notification on my appetite. There was a hole in my stomach. One that seemed to require constant feeding. Luckily, it didn’t impact my weight when I was a child or teenager. I wasn’t overweight. I must have had a great metabolism. As a child, I was slender. As a teen, I started to develop. And I am not meant to be small, except in stature. When I compared myself to my friends who were slender and tall, I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t tiny. But I was in relatively good shape. Looking back on it, I am jealous of the younger Judy. She had a pretty good body. At the time, I didn’t think so. When I got breasts kind of early, I was embarrassed. And my hips? I hated them. I looked like a woman. And that made me feel ashamed of myself. I wanted to look like one of my friends. She was tall and slender. And she was blonde. She could wear jeans that hugged her body. And her legs seemed to go on forever. I once bought a skirt that was black and very slinky. It fit tight. And I looked like a beached whale in it. My blonde friend could have worn it. Not me. Now, I understand that the skirt just wasn’t appropriate for my body type. Then, I saw it as proof that I was fat. Especially when my two best friends gave me funny looks when I showed them the skirt. They looked a little horrified. And I never wore it. I don’t know how long I kept it, but I know that I still had it when I went off to college. I was wearing size 8 at that time. And sometimes I was even a size 6. Talk about body image problems!
So, now we can get back to the eating. I was relatively thin until I gave birth. Then I had a horrible time losing the extra weight from my pregnancy. I have periodically lost weight since that time. Then I would gain it back. Again, I ate emotionally. If I was having financial issues, I would try to eat my way through them. Depressed about the moves and my marriage? Go get a high fat hamburger and salty French fries. Scared because parenting was a huge responsibility? Sugar made it all better. I’m sure many people recognize these patterns. They are very destructive. And you know how you hear that you should stop eating when you feel full? I NEVER felt full. So, the weight gains kept getting bigger and bigger.
When I was first in the relationship with S., I was in pretty good shape. I was exercising regularly. I even lifted weights. I wasn’t at my high school weight by a long shot, but I felt good. As I got more and more involved in the relationship with S., I started to gain weight again. I was having issues with arthritis and so I stopped with the exercise. And when I had issues with his family, food was all that comforted me. When he was sick, I really started to gain. And by the time we broke up, I was at my top weight. And I have forgotten another interesting aspect of my eating issues. When I am going through a crisis, I stop eating. I know the breakup was a crisis because I stopped eating. I would prepare something. Then I would take a few bites and I was done. Same thing happened after my divorce. Somewhere in that period, I realized what a gift this is. I started making different choices with food. I love fish. So I am eating more fish. I am trying harder to pay attention to what my body tells me. If I feel full, I pay attention. And I stop eating. I drink LOTS of water. I am paying more attention to balance. And I am losing weight as a result. I am down almost sixty pounds. Which is really quite an accomplishment. I recognize that. The weight loss has been happening over a long time period. It’s been a year since the breakup. I am working on starting my exercise program.
Can I keep this up? I’m not sure. But as I have been writing to you about my history, and sharing myself, I seem to feel more of a sense of peace. Certainly not all the time. I have meltdowns. I even have days that all I want to do is have another high fat hamburger and greasy French fries. But now, I accept that as “what is” and just go on. I may even break down and eat the junk food. But I balance it out with other healthier choices. And I don’t beat myself up about it. I just go get another cold glass of ice water. What’s eating you? Do you eat your way through pain? Does stress result in weight gain? If so, what do you do to handle it? Do you see another way to deal with it as I am writing to you? I would love to hear from you. Your stories inspire me.
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