One of the most important aspects of this exploration of my early years has been the opportunity to look at how I have been influenced during my life by the mental illness in my family. Some of that is due to my own depression/anxiety. I have to admit, these patterns of thinking never seem to go away totally. I have had therapy. I have attended Landmark Education programs, which stress recognizing how we create ‘stories” about our experiences. And I have a wonderful business coach who does a lot to help me recognize those dysfunctional thought patterns. I also have access to medication, which when I cooperate with taking it, does improve things. In this article I want to discuss one of my dysfunctional patterns. For want of a better description, I am calling it hyper-vigilance.
As a child, one of the most dysfunctional “stories” that I created is the one that goes like this: I am responsible for everything. I am going to always do something wrong to destroy things. And you are going to hate me. For what reason, I may not know…but you are going to hate me. This ‘story’ makes life painful. I am always waiting for something bad to happen. I am always looking for the situation or interaction that will make you finally reject me. And that rejection is inevitable. In my very flawed opinion. Finally, it makes me have trouble setting boundaries with people because I don’t recognize my right to do so. I am either too harsh, or I don’t even recognize the need to set a boundary.
Now, I want you to understand that I am not “blaming” my family for this. I recognize that this is a story I created out of my experience. Kind of like deciding what meaning to apply to a bunch of facts. My story about those facts is not factual. I have actually had many relationships that disprove this story. But I sometimes believe that I have created many more which “prove” it. My life is littered with broken relationships. With people that I “knew” were going to leave. And sometimes I can see how I created that leaving out of my flawed belief. I am always stunned to find out that these situations are sometimes simply how things are. And other people experience them. The fact that I recognize this is simply a miracle. And this miracle happened only because I opened myself up to what others say. And I listened when they told some version of my story, because that reminded me I am simply human.
Now, to talk about the consequence of this flawed thinking. I am always looking for the reason that you will reject me. I disrespect YOU in that way. And I disrespect myself. I am also in a constant state of upset. When I started working in social services, I had this suspicion that one of the reasons that I loved it was that I was somewhat of an adrenaline junkie. I adore crisis. If I’m not dealing with crisis, I am a little let down. The longer I have had to get to know myself, the more I realize the impact of that adrenaline addiction. I am sure you can imagine that it impacts my health, mental and physical. And it is self-perpetuating. Which means that I have few periods of peace. I am always working on that. And today, I am more peaceful than I have been in quite a while.
The fact that I can say that is amazing. A year ago, I walked out of a six year relationship. It was truly one that I valued. I loved that man. I still do. But there were issues with his health, and his family. Which led to them telling me to leave. At first, I had that voice saying: “You did it. It is YOUR fault.” And I would get confirmation of that from his family, because they TOLD me it was my fault. I can own my part in all the drama. But then I hear my business coach saying: (Sometimes) “when these things happen, it is more about them then it is about you”. (She would probably correct me on that and say “always”. I am not ready for that. But I am looking at it.) And I actually believed it for once. I have many friends who would say the same kinds of things. And some from Landmark who would invite me to look at whether the story is true. Which means that I am healing much faster than I would have previously. Really healing and moving on. It is a year later. I am dating. I am focused on business. And I am energized for life. WHAT a difference!
As a child, one of the most dysfunctional “stories” that I created is the one that goes like this: I am responsible for everything. I am going to always do something wrong to destroy things. And you are going to hate me. For what reason, I may not know…but you are going to hate me. This ‘story’ makes life painful. I am always waiting for something bad to happen. I am always looking for the situation or interaction that will make you finally reject me. And that rejection is inevitable. In my very flawed opinion. Finally, it makes me have trouble setting boundaries with people because I don’t recognize my right to do so. I am either too harsh, or I don’t even recognize the need to set a boundary.
Now, I want you to understand that I am not “blaming” my family for this. I recognize that this is a story I created out of my experience. Kind of like deciding what meaning to apply to a bunch of facts. My story about those facts is not factual. I have actually had many relationships that disprove this story. But I sometimes believe that I have created many more which “prove” it. My life is littered with broken relationships. With people that I “knew” were going to leave. And sometimes I can see how I created that leaving out of my flawed belief. I am always stunned to find out that these situations are sometimes simply how things are. And other people experience them. The fact that I recognize this is simply a miracle. And this miracle happened only because I opened myself up to what others say. And I listened when they told some version of my story, because that reminded me I am simply human.
Now, to talk about the consequence of this flawed thinking. I am always looking for the reason that you will reject me. I disrespect YOU in that way. And I disrespect myself. I am also in a constant state of upset. When I started working in social services, I had this suspicion that one of the reasons that I loved it was that I was somewhat of an adrenaline junkie. I adore crisis. If I’m not dealing with crisis, I am a little let down. The longer I have had to get to know myself, the more I realize the impact of that adrenaline addiction. I am sure you can imagine that it impacts my health, mental and physical. And it is self-perpetuating. Which means that I have few periods of peace. I am always working on that. And today, I am more peaceful than I have been in quite a while.
The fact that I can say that is amazing. A year ago, I walked out of a six year relationship. It was truly one that I valued. I loved that man. I still do. But there were issues with his health, and his family. Which led to them telling me to leave. At first, I had that voice saying: “You did it. It is YOUR fault.” And I would get confirmation of that from his family, because they TOLD me it was my fault. I can own my part in all the drama. But then I hear my business coach saying: (Sometimes) “when these things happen, it is more about them then it is about you”. (She would probably correct me on that and say “always”. I am not ready for that. But I am looking at it.) And I actually believed it for once. I have many friends who would say the same kinds of things. And some from Landmark who would invite me to look at whether the story is true. Which means that I am healing much faster than I would have previously. Really healing and moving on. It is a year later. I am dating. I am focused on business. And I am energized for life. WHAT a difference!
No comments:
Post a Comment