The Awakening...

My Dad died when he was 56 years old.  I am one year younger right now.  And as we have talked about, he lived with a mentally ill wife for most of his marriage.  So, when he died, the thought occurred to me that he hadn’t even had the chance to live.  No love.  No peace.  No happiness.  I have had struggles in my own life. I went through a divorce. I raised my child by myself.  I struggled financially.  And, of course, as we have discussed in these pages…I dealt with depression and anxiety.  But in recent months, while writing, I have found my state of mind changing.  I feel that at the age of 55 years old, I am finally growing up and getting to know Judy.  And in the process, I am finding my joy.

There is something so affirming about being able to recognize the impact of my family history, and being able to move past it.  My view is more balanced than it has ever been.  How do I know this?  I know because I am recognizing the strengths that I have, and the best parts of growing up with my family.  I don’t just see Mom through the lens of “defective”.  I see her beauty.  I don’t see my Dad as “in pain”.  I see him as the nurturing and loving person he truly was.  I am seeing the whole picture.  

I am seeing the whole picture of MY life now.  The fact that I am a good Mom, whose relationship with her daughter is loving and strong.  I am seeing myself as a good friend.  I have an excellent and loving support system.  It is filled with friends.  People who truly love me for me.  I am seeing my beauty.  I am no longer comparing myself to the mentally ill woman who didn’t bathe.  Although I have some wrinkles now, in some ways I am more attractive right at this moment than I have ever been.  Because inside, I think I am.  While still a little uncomfortable, I can even have a picture taken that doesn’t shame me.  I am no longer in pain.  I am seeing my creativity and passion.  I know that I am intelligent.  And I am seeing myself as strong. Am I always this positive?  No, obviously not.  I do recognize the fact that I am prone to anxiety and depression.  And I know how powerful mental illness can be, so I am trying harder to consistently take care of myself appropriately.  I really like this Judy.  And I see that other people like her too.  Kind of nice to finally get to know myself.