It's interesting how much I can learn about myself when I'm willing to let it in. Today I struggled with submitting an article for a major online magazine. So, of course, I was pretty anxious. And I noticed something......I seriously pick at scabs during times I am anxious. Years ago, I worked with adolescents. And many of them cut themselves. Some 'played' with burning themselves with lighters. So, I'm familiar with self-harm. Fast forward a few years....I was in a hospital. The nursing staff noticed me picking at my scabs and told me that doing that was a symptom of my depression and anxiety. I think I took that in and then completely blocked it out. I haven't thought about it in years. Until I found myself actually tearing at my skin as I picked at scabs. Wow. Insight...the light went on.
I did a little research. Where I found out that what I am doing IS self-harm. Now, I want you to understand that I've read all your posts about self-harm. And convinced myself that I truly can't relate. Now, all of the sudden I get that I can. When I pick at my scab and it bleeds, there is a release of anxiety. I got a picture of myself that was totally unexpected. That led to awareness that as we work on recovery, we are more able to let things in and work on them. Right at this moment, I understand that I'm in the process. I don't have recovery down pat. I have the ability to work on it. The funny thing is that I'm not ashamed of it. I'm just a little amused that denial had such a heavy hold on my consciousness. In my case, that old joke is true. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
How can you relate to this? Do you have any little 'quirks' that are really symptoms of your mental health problems? Have you been told something about a pattern that you try to avoid really dealing with? Have you had any moments where the light went on and you finally got it? I think that the process of healing is filled with realizations like what I experienced today. It led me to an awesome opportunity to create a new pattern for handling anxiety. And writing this article is a great start to that. Acknowledging my issue has always been a first step for me. My brain has to get it before I can act on it. So, I'm going to sit myself down with a cup of tea. Maybe I'll reach out to my support system. Or I'll take a shower and pamper my skin with lotion instead of assaulting it. It's time to care for Judy. Not hurt her. Hope you come to the same realization about yourself. All my love......
I did a little research. Where I found out that what I am doing IS self-harm. Now, I want you to understand that I've read all your posts about self-harm. And convinced myself that I truly can't relate. Now, all of the sudden I get that I can. When I pick at my scab and it bleeds, there is a release of anxiety. I got a picture of myself that was totally unexpected. That led to awareness that as we work on recovery, we are more able to let things in and work on them. Right at this moment, I understand that I'm in the process. I don't have recovery down pat. I have the ability to work on it. The funny thing is that I'm not ashamed of it. I'm just a little amused that denial had such a heavy hold on my consciousness. In my case, that old joke is true. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
How can you relate to this? Do you have any little 'quirks' that are really symptoms of your mental health problems? Have you been told something about a pattern that you try to avoid really dealing with? Have you had any moments where the light went on and you finally got it? I think that the process of healing is filled with realizations like what I experienced today. It led me to an awesome opportunity to create a new pattern for handling anxiety. And writing this article is a great start to that. Acknowledging my issue has always been a first step for me. My brain has to get it before I can act on it. So, I'm going to sit myself down with a cup of tea. Maybe I'll reach out to my support system. Or I'll take a shower and pamper my skin with lotion instead of assaulting it. It's time to care for Judy. Not hurt her. Hope you come to the same realization about yourself. All my love......
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