I think I'm human. What I mean is that I have similar thoughts and feelings as other people. But as a younger woman, I didn't realize that. And that contributed greatly to my depression. I wanted to be 'normal'. Unfortunately, growing up with Maxine convinced me I wasn't normal. So, I set about proving I was. I wanted all the normal things. I wanted a husband. I wanted a home. I wanted possessions. Not because I wanted love in my life. Not even because I wanted to strive to make myself a success. Even though I did. But proving that I was normal....and good enough...was a more powerful drive. So, I got married. But what I found is that my marriage didn't convince me I was normal. Nothing was good enough. Nothing.
When the marriage inevitably ended, and the possessions disappeared, I was even more convinced that the problem was me. Or my ex-husband. But I didn't quite understand in what way. I didn't get that growing up with Maxine had left a hole. One that couldn't be filled with a man. Or with money and things. I would love to say that all the years of therapy gave me a clue about what was missing. But it didn't. I struggled with men, money, and self-esteem. As I look back at my life, I can clearly see the struggles. Very clearly. But I was a smart woman. I understood what the therapist was saying. I even gave lip-service to acknowledging the message and talked about how much better I was. But I wasn't. I was hurting.
So, what has changed? Quite a bit actually. I am at peace. I can physically feel the peace. I am home. Not just in Tennessee. But I'm feeling at home with Judy. I am who I am. In my core. With my problems and with my strengths. And I don't have to prove anything to anybody. Least of all myself. I AM NORMAL!! The relationships will come out of that. Whether it is a romantic relationship. Or friendships. And if I never have another romantic relationship, I am still OK. I love myself. That makes it all just right. And gave me one of the best Valentines days that I have ever had. I love me. Can you relate to this? I hope so!! Let's talk!
When the marriage inevitably ended, and the possessions disappeared, I was even more convinced that the problem was me. Or my ex-husband. But I didn't quite understand in what way. I didn't get that growing up with Maxine had left a hole. One that couldn't be filled with a man. Or with money and things. I would love to say that all the years of therapy gave me a clue about what was missing. But it didn't. I struggled with men, money, and self-esteem. As I look back at my life, I can clearly see the struggles. Very clearly. But I was a smart woman. I understood what the therapist was saying. I even gave lip-service to acknowledging the message and talked about how much better I was. But I wasn't. I was hurting.
So, what has changed? Quite a bit actually. I am at peace. I can physically feel the peace. I am home. Not just in Tennessee. But I'm feeling at home with Judy. I am who I am. In my core. With my problems and with my strengths. And I don't have to prove anything to anybody. Least of all myself. I AM NORMAL!! The relationships will come out of that. Whether it is a romantic relationship. Or friendships. And if I never have another romantic relationship, I am still OK. I love myself. That makes it all just right. And gave me one of the best Valentines days that I have ever had. I love me. Can you relate to this? I hope so!! Let's talk!
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